The Confused Diaries - Part 2

It was a day when I was so frustrated with everything that was going on in my life that I just decided to throw in the towel. Now my throwing in the towel is not the act of quitting but I actually hurled a towel in anger! What I decided was that I need a break! I have had enough! Life is nice when it’s a roller coaster! But you need to know when is the goddam ride is ending. Otherwise it will suck you clean of every single juice which you need! This is exactly what happened. So I decided that before I actually have a burnout I need to get a break. Let’s leave the burnouts to cars shall we? So it meant only one thing, going to India. Bangalore to be precise as I don’t even know what constitutes the rest of India clearly. Never needed to know. My bang, bang, Bangalore is so amazing that everything else just looks like a waste of space excepting Goa. Of course Goa! So I slowly slid in the request to my CEO if I could and surprisingly enough he just said “why not?”, still haven’t gotten over that! I was actually imagining flares and crackers and blasts and smoke! Well that’s why they say you win some you lose some. Still don’t know who ‘They’ are! If anybody can help me here, then the help will surely go unappreciated! Go do better things you fool!

So here I am getting permission to go to India finally, the first Christmas and New Year in homeland aka kamasutra land aka ganja land! This is a rare occurrence as the last time was if I can try and remember, 6 years ago! So I am all excited and merry to be doing this and then embark on what is arguably the most difficult thing to do in December, booking bloody tickets! Why can’t the airlines just gear up? Why do they always have no seats? So here I am with food on the plate which I can’t eat! There is a cheque drawn but no money in the account! This similar feeling does occur every now and then in my life – I have a cigarette but no lighter! I literally go insane! A few nonsmokers around me carry contingency lighting equipment just to avoid my outburst! Lol! So here I am trying every single permutation and combination, I was even ready to transit via Afghanistan! I could not get one ticket confirmed! There was a leg in every journey that wouldn’t give me a leg up!

Then I almost confirmed that I would be flying Ethiopian! Now that’s not a great option but are lavish with their baggage allowance which I love milking it down to the very last drop! I don’t know why but my friends in Africa are all always very excited of me going to India and hence the luggage allowance helps! Quite a lot! But my ever preferred option is Emirates, shop like mad, fulfill peoples lists, and then you are home in 3 hours! That’s amazing! And I always feel fulfilling any list of shopping in Dubai is like playing a shorter transit version of “Treasure Hunt”. It is so ridiculously big, the choices are so numerous and the distance to walk is so humongous that I always declare disability and get ferried around! And that was a joke, I am no jerk! I actually work out only when in transit at airports! So finally the route I do manage to confirm my booking on is not very nice but I can say again, you win some and you lose some.

It was Lusaka – Kenya – Dubai – Bangalore! Now the first leg is Kenyan Airways! Trust me on this, they are more unpredictable than what Hitler would have been! They are so lazy that I would actually like to work for them! It would mean at the most 50 days work in a year! Cause they bloody don’t fly! This makes no business sense whatsoever! I mean for an airline to make money its fleet should be up in the air! But here is an airline which is somehow still viable and running though most of the planes are always grounded! The best reason for it to be grounded – “We simply couldn’t be bothered”! Looking at the departure and arrival screen is like looking at an F1 screen when things went wrong at Imola! We all know which incident I am referring to. This is the problem. The cancellations and delays are ridiculous! It’s the nerve of the airline that is the most amazing bit! You pay but they somehow think that you haven’t paid for the bit where they are meant to keep you informed and give you actual reasons! They just don’t think so!

So I wasn’t even looking forward to this journey as I knew things would go ‘tits up’ at the very beginning! Yup! A bit of dirty on my blog! For **** sakes! This is my blog! Let’s not forget that! So I get to the airport in Lusaka early, as usual, finish all my check in and other things and still yet again there is a delay! There is an indefinite delay! Kenyan ******* Airlines! You got to be kidding me! But I did not sweat much this time as the gap between this one and my next flight on Emirates to Dubai was quite large. And then eventually the flight does decide to leave and here I am on my way to Kenya! If you remember some previous post of mine, it was Kenya where I was stranded the first time I was in Africa! So I finally touch down at what should be correctly named as “Jomo Kenyatta Colossally ******* Claustrophobic International Airport”!!!!!!! I mean I was actually gasping for breath and fresh air! I mean it is humid, extremely humid but the humidity is not because of the outside weather but the caged people inside! Eeeeeeek! Guess who I learnt this “Eeeeeeek” line from! I was so desperate and was on a call to my best friend (quite simply the best there is) vividly telling her about the hell I am being subjected to and an idea popped to my head!

I decided the best way to avoid all the nausea is to smoke! Yes I smoke! So now I walk up to a counter and ask the lady to direct me to the smoking lounge politely and surprise, surprise! She has another Kenyan bomb ready to drop! “Sir, this airport does not have a smoking lounge! I mean you can’t smoke anywhere in this airport! If you do want to smoke that badly then you will have to actually get yourself a transit visa and get out into Kenya and then you can smoke”! No seriously! So I suggest the idea of me jumping off a window or something to my bff and she as usual gets excited with it! So I finally decide to go for the cigarette and it has by far been the most expensive cigarette of my life! One cigarette costs me US$ 40! That’s like 200,000 in Zambian Kwacha! Or some Zillion Kajillion Zimbabwe Dollars! The inference is absolutely simple! I need to quit smoking! I know I can be an idiot and hence I should avoid being one!

Then I walk back into to departure terminal and realize I still have 6 whole hours before my next flight! This is usually the tipping point where I go on a rampage! A crazy one! But somehow I convince myself to do something positive in turn! I walk in to the check in counters and decide to give it my best shot! I walk to the counter where there is an opposite sex person (female you half-wit!) and exuberate my sweetness and smoothness! And my oh my! She gives me a free upgrade to business class all the way home! And suddenly everything seems alright! And then I just wave my boarding pass around and get into the first class lounge and there it is – unlimited alcohol (always the best bit), unlimited food, internet, air conditioning (still a big thing in Africa), luxurious couches and recliners! Man I am home! I should do this every time until the day when I am officially banned from flying! No but this is luxury! And this is where I am writing this blog from! I request all those who read in the first 2-3 days of publishing to let me know of all the spelling errors and syntax errors! And my bff will be the first to respond on this I am sure! Iwe, stop correcting me all the time! You don’t know what nice and unlimited whiskey can do to somebody! So let me rest a bit, hopefully get on the right flight, get some sleep and continue writing when I actually get to Dubai and am done with the treasure hunt! On that bombshell for now, goodnight!

And we begin where we left off yesterday! The only difference is that I am in a totally different continent already! And in a better one! I am in Asia! And I love the Dubai Airport! I have already finished whatever I needed to shop and am now going to rest. Though I was looking forward to my journey here, as it goes there were more surprises in store! This is my other usual scrap with the flights – the bloody idiots who sit next to you! Honestly if I am not smiling or having unnecessary conversations with you then chances are that I don’t want to! Do not show your relentless resilience to a stranger! There was this Indian girl – I usually like the breed but my god! She would simply not shut up! Absolutely going on and on like a gramophone with its pin jammed! The flight being at night is when usually people sleep! And every time I doze off she would wake me up telling me she wants to use the loo! Next time get your ******* seat in there! And then there are always kids on flights who want a piece of your food though what they have on their seat is exactly the same! It is not far off before I get jailed for lamping one of such child! I swear I will do it! I am actually that frustrated!

I think I did drink a bit too much at Nairobi and then on the flight! I don’t feel good! So the solution is quite simple! Drink even more! It is 6:30 AM and I am sitting here with a glass of Johnie Walker! The day is not far off that I keep walking and I end up being crippled! But I am not reporting to work and am on holiday so why not? And it happens to be Christmas! This brings me to the main intention of my writing anything at all on the blog! Sorry I got derailed a bit!

So my dear friends and families and acquaintances and people I don’t know and the others, I wish you all a very merry Christmas and an even merrier new year, 2012. May you all find and achieve more than you desire. Good or bad I don’t care, it’s what you want, so go for it! I am as usual making no resolutions, just living life a day at a time. I hope I rejuvenate and replenish completely on this vacation of mine and bring my sexy back! I am getting confused now with this ‘sexy’ thing as I am not sure whether I am referring to someone else or myself! The hunt is on! Open Season!

Somebody special whispered something in my ear, quite recently and almost had my heart stop! Honestly! So, I am now officially a member of “Near Death Experience Club”! She almost killed me with the line!

Phew! Oh for crying out loud! Phew!