Of all the places possible in the whole wide world I am writing this sitting on a cheap chair in a lousy transit hotel in Jo’burg! For most of my life I had never flown and used to always look forward to it but now I have even started to contemplate driving or even walking! Every single time I have used any airline across the globe, my luck has ditched me at take off! Every single time the pilot has made an announcement, it has just added to my misery! But thanks to Titanic sinking and local councils around the world not taking care of roads, the only way to get to a far away destination is by air! 100 years of exponential growth in science and technology and people have only one choice. I watched a program on Stephen Hawking and his science and they have in a way perfected teleportation. Now that’s my kind of stuff. But unfortunately the only thing they think they have zapped is an electron! Now by the time the technology gets to be able to handle someone of my size there won’t be me! Thanks for nothing.
I was so religious about this journey of mine finally to India after 3 full years. I made sure I got to the airport early. So early in fact that I had to wake up the security guard to open the door so I can get inside! But still to my luck there was a system failure in Lusaka, Zambia. Hence everything was handwritten and the lady who answered my questions by the million was very sweet, she had no idea what she was saying! I even asked her if my luggage would reach intact if it did at all and all that she said was that it was left to god! I am sorry, this is 21st century which is progressing like 25th! And I have to leave my luggage to god!? Then I moaned and groaned a bit, of course not in front of her but to myself. I was scared if I would tell her anything she would tag my luggage with the words “Help Yourself”. Hence intelligently I decided to shut up! I am still sure about my doubt that it was no system failure but its complete absence.
Then I got into the terminal and then into the aircraft. Now again this being Africa things are a bit different! You don’t have a sky lift with so many billboards that there is no room to breathe, nor any mode of transporting you to the plane. The departure gate is actually a gate which just sets your free into the actual runways. This is terrifying one because you don’t even know which is your flight and secondly any man could go anywhere and do anything stupid so that America will get a good reason to invade let’s say Poland! I know Obama is no Hitler but that’s what America does best. Find a reason and call it national security and then invade a country which is randomly picked by some psychic monkey or something and end it all by lecturing / threatening other countries that they should maintain peace! Another thing I have noticed is all the countries America has done warfare with are countries with either a lot of petrol or drugs! And then it just ends up building some roads calling it rehabilitation! Maybe it is much cheaper and peaceful if you don’t go round dropping tons of bombs Mr. American President! Food for thought!
Any who, I got out of the gates and started to walk randomly towards a plane which I decided I should try. As I neared the plane somebody suddenly held and pulled me aside. I was quite stunned. And this guy was a security guard in a hi-vis jacket! That’s write all you health and safety nuts be happy! He then said I was too close to the jets of the plane and any closer, I would have got sucked in! Well thanks! Maybe you could have cordoned off the area! Maybe they have a boring job and once in a while it is quite amusing to watch a human mincer! Though I am thankful for being alive I still have that part of me which wants to know who would have won. Me and my enormous self or the jet! That’s true this is me. I once tried a similar experiment with my finger and a kitchen blender. Needless to say my finger lost!
Finally getting onto the plane I was shown my seat and I was perplexed if it was business class service. This being a pleasure trip of mine there is no way I will spend more for a bigger seat. My bottoms are big and cushy enough to save the money. But for economy class the legroom was huge. I could just about touch the front seat with my toe! Then I realized my seat was where the emergency exit was. The airhostess came to me and said that as I was sitting by the exit I was legally bound to open it in case of emergency! This is today’s world! Everything has to be legally bound! I told her “Darling! If I am going to die and opening this door could change it then I will do it myself without sitting at a table with your lawyer”. She liked the reply I guess as I was the only one to get some nuts along with breakfast! Suspiciously! And then I looked at my ticket only to confirm I had paid but not that in case of emergency my only goal would be to earn a gallantry medal!
The flight was due to leave at 7 AM. But as the system failure was epidemic the pilot who sounded like someone from the Australian outback sipping on some fosters said, “Ladies and mates how are we this morning? Because of the system failure you all know of, the actual weight of the plane has not yet reached me and hence I cannot properly calculate the takeoff and landing. So as we speak there are lovely Zambians who are out there trying to estimate so that we can have a very safe journey. I would like to stress that this is also a legal requirement. Thanks for understanding and the weather in Johannesburg is absolutely lovely if you want to enjoy a pint later”. I did understand but when words like ‘estimate’ are used I prefer to have a pint right then!
So it took some Zambians with some tape measures and weighing scales I imagine more than 2 hours to tell the pilot if the plane was good to fly weight wise or if Karthik had to get down! By that time I was actually imagining my next flight all set to take off without me in it! That’s right I again missed a flight and this meant long queues and transit accommodation. The food court is far away I decided against it as I would be hungry again by the time I get back to my room! Honestly I would prefer to shoot myself in my right toe than going through the horrors of airport helpdesks! People speak to you as if you are not handling such a small thing well! 10 days holidays after 3 years and I have to spend a whole day/night in a room with no windows! That’s why I thought I will write this not because I want to be more regular on my blog but to kill time. I know when I finally reach home I will have a ‘eureka’ moment and no definitely not naked. As I don’t have internet access right now I am typing this in word and I found out that Microsoft Office does not know Obama, capitalizes Hitler and knows Osama! What a world we live in!
So if you are reading this then it means I am either home or somewhere where there is bloody internet! I just picked a glass to drink water and the coaster says “If love is blind then why is there sexy lingerie?”
Oh for crying out loud!
Monday, 23 August 2010
Saturday, 7 August 2010
The African Diaries - Part 1
The flight from Heathrow felt like eternity. I suddenly started to think if I had made the right hasty decision of leaving a place which for 3 years had been home. I left everything behind. Friends, family, colleagues, house share, pot noodles, crisps, high speed internet, everything. And there I was on a plane to a whole new continent, I would rather say a whole new world. The flight was lousy, so was the seating, so was the food. I finally touched down at Jomo Kenyatta airport in Nairobi.
My next flight was in 1 hour to Lusaka, Zambia. I got out and joined a never seen before length of queue only to find out that my flight was cancelled. I stood in that same queue for nearly 5 hours while the whole world was busy watching the Fifa finals, Silverstone F1 and another new episode of Top Gear! I was finally given a transit visa and was also provided accommodation. I walked out of the airport to get on a bus. Make no mistake this is Africa. It was no bus! It looked like a small van which had a carriage taped onto it. I got in and I had to sit on the engine cover next to the driver and was also assigned the duty of making sure the all the luggage remained still so the driver could concentrate on what he was meant to do – somehow make that thing run and take us to our respective hotels. Looking at the bus I was not looking forward to the hotel. We then travelled through huge roads (being in uk for 3 years my perception of size had diminished). We then stopped on the road side and the driver asked a couple of people to get down and place some planks of wood which were suspiciously tied to the side of the bus on something which looked to me like a ditch! As we slowly treaded on those planks I was even finding it hard to remember prayers in my state of profuse panic! I am no Drogba! My physical attributes are only good enough to take a 1 ft fall, let us say on to a fluffy bed! But we made it across and then we entered a gate after around ten minutes of driving through no road.
And suddenly I see this massive hotel which looked absolutely inviting. I walked through the 5 star luxuries and then went into my room to only realize that my image of Africa was terribly wrong. The hotel was so magnificent and equipped that I even had a choice of Bible, Quran or Gita in my draw! And an electronic safe in every room! I then walked down to the bar and this is at 4 AM, had a couple of well deserved cold beers watching the highlights of football enjoying this suddenly changed perception of a place which had already become my new found home. I only had time for a hot shower and had to leave to the airport again for my flight to Lusaka. When I looked out of my window at dawn I saw the African outback, vast plains with absolutely nothing but a couple of trees I knew it was the right decision. All my younger years had watched numerous programs with such a background and here I was in it!
After being awe struck for some time I finally got to the airport and I don’t know if I had grown a dark stubble but the security guards must have mistaken me for Osama! I was searched within an inch of my dignity before being allowed to check in. I then boarded the flight and the pilot’s welcome speech started which sounded more like a sick note! Actually that’s what it was and he was not feeling very well so just decided to call it a day and we were stranded inside the plane for a whopping 3 hours before they could find someone who could be bothered enough to oblige to fly. I still suspect that it was one of the cabin crew and not a pilot as the people who had greeted me in were never to be found again! Strange! The flight was quite short and then we touched down. Lusaka, Zambia! Finally, home, for the foreseeable future. Kenya to be missed for the weird, short and absolutely stunning time. People always asked me why Africa of all the possible places?
Oh for crying out loud!
My next flight was in 1 hour to Lusaka, Zambia. I got out and joined a never seen before length of queue only to find out that my flight was cancelled. I stood in that same queue for nearly 5 hours while the whole world was busy watching the Fifa finals, Silverstone F1 and another new episode of Top Gear! I was finally given a transit visa and was also provided accommodation. I walked out of the airport to get on a bus. Make no mistake this is Africa. It was no bus! It looked like a small van which had a carriage taped onto it. I got in and I had to sit on the engine cover next to the driver and was also assigned the duty of making sure the all the luggage remained still so the driver could concentrate on what he was meant to do – somehow make that thing run and take us to our respective hotels. Looking at the bus I was not looking forward to the hotel. We then travelled through huge roads (being in uk for 3 years my perception of size had diminished). We then stopped on the road side and the driver asked a couple of people to get down and place some planks of wood which were suspiciously tied to the side of the bus on something which looked to me like a ditch! As we slowly treaded on those planks I was even finding it hard to remember prayers in my state of profuse panic! I am no Drogba! My physical attributes are only good enough to take a 1 ft fall, let us say on to a fluffy bed! But we made it across and then we entered a gate after around ten minutes of driving through no road.
And suddenly I see this massive hotel which looked absolutely inviting. I walked through the 5 star luxuries and then went into my room to only realize that my image of Africa was terribly wrong. The hotel was so magnificent and equipped that I even had a choice of Bible, Quran or Gita in my draw! And an electronic safe in every room! I then walked down to the bar and this is at 4 AM, had a couple of well deserved cold beers watching the highlights of football enjoying this suddenly changed perception of a place which had already become my new found home. I only had time for a hot shower and had to leave to the airport again for my flight to Lusaka. When I looked out of my window at dawn I saw the African outback, vast plains with absolutely nothing but a couple of trees I knew it was the right decision. All my younger years had watched numerous programs with such a background and here I was in it!
After being awe struck for some time I finally got to the airport and I don’t know if I had grown a dark stubble but the security guards must have mistaken me for Osama! I was searched within an inch of my dignity before being allowed to check in. I then boarded the flight and the pilot’s welcome speech started which sounded more like a sick note! Actually that’s what it was and he was not feeling very well so just decided to call it a day and we were stranded inside the plane for a whopping 3 hours before they could find someone who could be bothered enough to oblige to fly. I still suspect that it was one of the cabin crew and not a pilot as the people who had greeted me in were never to be found again! Strange! The flight was quite short and then we touched down. Lusaka, Zambia! Finally, home, for the foreseeable future. Kenya to be missed for the weird, short and absolutely stunning time. People always asked me why Africa of all the possible places?
Oh for crying out loud!
Saturday, 2 January 2010
Year in the life of just another person .......
It was last year I wrote last on my blog! Time goes by! Fast! First of all apologies to all those few people who read my blog and fewer people who wait for me to write frequently! Last year was hectic! I mean it! Maybe I was not occupied but I enjoy my own lazy time so much that it had resulted in such levels of lethargy that reaching for my phone when it rings is near enough an impossibility. The last year has been very different. It has been like every other year in my life which have no relation what so ever to each other. It always feels like I am born and I die at the end of the year and then again born on the day of the new year!
So the year that went by :-
1)
I have put on a million more pounds! Now if you are going to say that I don’t use kilos anymore and I am not anymore Indian and I behave like an Englishman, I simply don’t care! The scale I use is in pounds and it’s not my choice and I feel bad for the poor thing. It accelerates from 0 - ~ in such speed that sometimes I think its psychic! It knows my weight and tries to display it even before I am fully on it! Well to be honest I am exaggerating. I am roughly around the same I was when you guys saw me last. Now it’s for you to work out when that was and how slim was I! Maybe slim is not the right word there!
2)
I have made many many friends and lost very few. And honestly if you are one among the ones I have lost, again I simply don’t care. There would have been good reason for it and sorry but it’s your fault. I am not saying I am any prize catch but I am better off without you! At this moment I would especially like to tell Simon and Claire that it’s the best joy in the world to live with them. Thanks guys! We do a lot of things together most of it which is technically pointless but we have the best time in the world together! We are the same loonies who went shopping for suits at 2 AM! And Claire honestly there is a ‘poltergeist’ under your bed! Simon, stop breaking things round the house! And Claire I might be brown but I am not an idiot that you explain to me what a greeting card is! I love you both!
3)
I have developed no new hobbies/interests/whatever you call it at all. I just can’t be asked to. I breathe in and sometimes breathe out. That’s about it. No more. Possibly less. Yes. And then I did not live up to any of the resolutions I made last year. Not that I did not want you I simply forgot what they were. I think it was to be careless and enjoy life and its cheap thrills to the very raw epicentre of it! If that was what the resolution was then I have done really well. I even shopped at a supermarket and did not have to walk! Yes I was in a mobility scooter. And I did not even have to queue! Life does not get better that sitting on your bottom when buying a truckload of chips!
4)
I have not been in any form of physical fights, not done any variant of any drug, not been arrested of course by police (would never mind if it was a pretty girl in fetish uniform!), no near death experiences, no serious verbal war, not fought in Iraq or in Afghanistan, not done anything which people say is the true form of adrenaline and high. Well guys I am not any superhero nor a repeat convict. What I am is a simple man which most of us can’t even accept unfortunately as ‘being a man’ is definitely one of the most misunderstood lines of my generation. I would like to be in the army and go to war but you see I have flat feet which is a straight disqualification. That is proof that god made me anatomically to be relaxing all the time. And I do it true to its meaning!
5)
Bought my first TV. For a fiver! I know it’s no million inch wide, billion pixels deep nor is it unreal definition! But my old banger just does the job it was built for. It makes me go to sleep every night and a peaceful sleep every night for £5! Now beat that Mr. HD LED! I also bought my own new laptop. Now this on the other hand was a bit expensive but nowhere close to what you ignorant numbnuts would pay! I got it at a fraction of a cost and was a real good hustle and it has a specification which will make gaming desktops look like typewriters! It is so capable that I can play Need for Speed Shift on full graphics setting! Yes, I do play games on my computer still. No, I did not buy the game but I downloaded it from someone who had with consent and if you want to since brand me a ‘Pirate’ then so be it!
6)
I miss my parents and my brother more than I did in 2007! It has been quite a long time since I saw them. Thank god for technology! Otherwise they would have just pronounced me dead and carried on! Maybe they would have got another dog or something to fill the void! It would have been very awkward when I would finally get home! No, not for me of course for the new dog! And knowing my mum if she had to make a decision then I would leave before she announces it as I know very well it won’t be me! I know she loves me to bits but I definitely don’t have a tail nor do I bark! Me and dad both agree that it would be rather nice to be a dog to my mum than husband/son! Bless her! One true animal lover! And if my brother is reading this he needs to stop messing with my parents computer and making the mike/web-cam/speakers not work! Period!
7)
I have had more than my share of embarrassing moments as usual again! For some reason my friends here think I can’t pronounce the letter ‘V’. That comes as a surprise to me as I have been studying English, Sanskrit and Kannada all my life and these languages are more of tongue twisters and I thought I could pronounce anything or any sound! And they make fun of it so much that I have nearly stopped using the letter and have replaced it with ‘B’. And now they think I have ‘Dysprosody’! I know even I can’t correctly spell this out so Wikipedia is always there to help! I am not making it up though, but surprisingly my computer also thinks I am typing some random stuff!
It has been another successful year in many different terms and I have as usual had a great time! I have been in touch with so many of you and have been busy many a times. Truly though there is never a day that I don’t recognise how better my world is because of all of your presence. Thank you ever so much everyone and I hope you all have another great year ahead. Remember if you ever need anything which I can do don’t even think of getting in touch! I always am knee deep in trouble but in a good way. I may be 25 now but I will never behave!
So you all have a good 2010 and as most of us have heard that means we have just 2 more years to go before the world ends in 2012! And I have read about people who have made millions with such kind of elaborate farce! Because the Mayans said so! Mayans my arse!
Oh for crying out loud!
So the year that went by :-
1)
I have put on a million more pounds! Now if you are going to say that I don’t use kilos anymore and I am not anymore Indian and I behave like an Englishman, I simply don’t care! The scale I use is in pounds and it’s not my choice and I feel bad for the poor thing. It accelerates from 0 - ~ in such speed that sometimes I think its psychic! It knows my weight and tries to display it even before I am fully on it! Well to be honest I am exaggerating. I am roughly around the same I was when you guys saw me last. Now it’s for you to work out when that was and how slim was I! Maybe slim is not the right word there!
2)
I have made many many friends and lost very few. And honestly if you are one among the ones I have lost, again I simply don’t care. There would have been good reason for it and sorry but it’s your fault. I am not saying I am any prize catch but I am better off without you! At this moment I would especially like to tell Simon and Claire that it’s the best joy in the world to live with them. Thanks guys! We do a lot of things together most of it which is technically pointless but we have the best time in the world together! We are the same loonies who went shopping for suits at 2 AM! And Claire honestly there is a ‘poltergeist’ under your bed! Simon, stop breaking things round the house! And Claire I might be brown but I am not an idiot that you explain to me what a greeting card is! I love you both!
3)
I have developed no new hobbies/interests/whatever you call it at all. I just can’t be asked to. I breathe in and sometimes breathe out. That’s about it. No more. Possibly less. Yes. And then I did not live up to any of the resolutions I made last year. Not that I did not want you I simply forgot what they were. I think it was to be careless and enjoy life and its cheap thrills to the very raw epicentre of it! If that was what the resolution was then I have done really well. I even shopped at a supermarket and did not have to walk! Yes I was in a mobility scooter. And I did not even have to queue! Life does not get better that sitting on your bottom when buying a truckload of chips!
4)
I have not been in any form of physical fights, not done any variant of any drug, not been arrested of course by police (would never mind if it was a pretty girl in fetish uniform!), no near death experiences, no serious verbal war, not fought in Iraq or in Afghanistan, not done anything which people say is the true form of adrenaline and high. Well guys I am not any superhero nor a repeat convict. What I am is a simple man which most of us can’t even accept unfortunately as ‘being a man’ is definitely one of the most misunderstood lines of my generation. I would like to be in the army and go to war but you see I have flat feet which is a straight disqualification. That is proof that god made me anatomically to be relaxing all the time. And I do it true to its meaning!
5)
Bought my first TV. For a fiver! I know it’s no million inch wide, billion pixels deep nor is it unreal definition! But my old banger just does the job it was built for. It makes me go to sleep every night and a peaceful sleep every night for £5! Now beat that Mr. HD LED! I also bought my own new laptop. Now this on the other hand was a bit expensive but nowhere close to what you ignorant numbnuts would pay! I got it at a fraction of a cost and was a real good hustle and it has a specification which will make gaming desktops look like typewriters! It is so capable that I can play Need for Speed Shift on full graphics setting! Yes, I do play games on my computer still. No, I did not buy the game but I downloaded it from someone who had with consent and if you want to since brand me a ‘Pirate’ then so be it!
6)
I miss my parents and my brother more than I did in 2007! It has been quite a long time since I saw them. Thank god for technology! Otherwise they would have just pronounced me dead and carried on! Maybe they would have got another dog or something to fill the void! It would have been very awkward when I would finally get home! No, not for me of course for the new dog! And knowing my mum if she had to make a decision then I would leave before she announces it as I know very well it won’t be me! I know she loves me to bits but I definitely don’t have a tail nor do I bark! Me and dad both agree that it would be rather nice to be a dog to my mum than husband/son! Bless her! One true animal lover! And if my brother is reading this he needs to stop messing with my parents computer and making the mike/web-cam/speakers not work! Period!
7)
I have had more than my share of embarrassing moments as usual again! For some reason my friends here think I can’t pronounce the letter ‘V’. That comes as a surprise to me as I have been studying English, Sanskrit and Kannada all my life and these languages are more of tongue twisters and I thought I could pronounce anything or any sound! And they make fun of it so much that I have nearly stopped using the letter and have replaced it with ‘B’. And now they think I have ‘Dysprosody’! I know even I can’t correctly spell this out so Wikipedia is always there to help! I am not making it up though, but surprisingly my computer also thinks I am typing some random stuff!
It has been another successful year in many different terms and I have as usual had a great time! I have been in touch with so many of you and have been busy many a times. Truly though there is never a day that I don’t recognise how better my world is because of all of your presence. Thank you ever so much everyone and I hope you all have another great year ahead. Remember if you ever need anything which I can do don’t even think of getting in touch! I always am knee deep in trouble but in a good way. I may be 25 now but I will never behave!
So you all have a good 2010 and as most of us have heard that means we have just 2 more years to go before the world ends in 2012! And I have read about people who have made millions with such kind of elaborate farce! Because the Mayans said so! Mayans my arse!
Oh for crying out loud!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)