Detroit used to be known as Motor City, Hong Kong used to be known as banking city, Bangalore as garden city, Bangkok as sin city but where i was, is called Murder City! Jo’burg! I mean this is like a cats 7 or 9 lives (confused how much it is exactly) and i am just ticking! But this was a short trip but was looking forward to it for the first time as my friends had already told me about 'Phuza Thursday' (just a cool way of saying i will binge drink and forget who my parents are) and was supposed to drink at a place called Melville. Not a posh place but a lovely one. I was looking forward to this, finally landed in Jo'burg without calamities. Then i checked in to a hotel, had my shower and hitched on to celebrate what they call binge drinking! I would say a Mozambique bar, with some amazing food and on the pavement, with a lot of beer was simply sensational. This is how i have always wanted to enjoy. I usually don’t go for a place by how posh it is or how long the 'A' list is, i just prefer a place where i can have a good time. And the lady who runs it had a body to simply die for or maybe i was quite drunk. We drank into the late hours and then when i was being dropped off to my hotel, we decided to go through Hillbrow (watch the movie Jerusalema, amazing, and per sqm the most dangerous area in the world). Luckily one of us was in her senses and decided to avert the plan as i for sure was not ready to give up my seat. Then we just ended up at Sandton square, just like any other square in any other town in the world, but with a humongous single cast statue of Nelson Mandela. I was very glad to get a photo next to it (i look more drunk than him!) and then i had to call it a night.
One of the biggest challenges i have ever faced in my life by far has to be shopping for the opposite sex! The only woman i have been successful shopping for is my mother and that’s only because i simply hand over the phone to the sales people and then sell a kidney to foot the bill. But anyone else is a nightmare! I was at a big mall in Jo’burg (friends from Americas and Asia - hell no! It’s quite small), but Africans in general get all misty eyed about it! Ok it’s called Sandton City! Trust me it’s nowhere half as big as you would be imagining! So here i am walking about and i speak to this lady on the phone for whom i was supposed to get a couple of gifts for. Now it definitely doesn’t help if she says "surprise me, darling, i want to see how much you know me!" This is a catch 22 as firstly no man has ever understood or known a female well and secondly if she wants a surprise she will get one but not sure if it will be a pleasant one. I am only familiar with products which have wires and power and pistons. Anything else makes no sense.
So i get into a perfume store and that’s a bad start! I mean if i want to surprise her i don’t want her to smell like Beyoncé or Sienna Miller! Even worse if she smelt like Antonio Banderas! I have no problem if this girl looked like the girls but smell! Hell no! I don’t even know how they smell! Then there is Calvin Klein going insane and naming a perfume "ckin2u"! What the hell! Is it a perfume or a suppository! So i quit this nonsense and decided maybe clothing. If she wants to smell different and wants me to choose it then i would walk into a DIY store and get her a bottle of flavored turpentine! Now clothing is a bigger risk! I am your average Joe and the styles are unbelievable! Jeans fit says "taper slim, low waist, bum tight, half button half zip"! You have to be kidding me! I wouldn’t spend money on something she needs an hour to get into only for me to remove it immediately ;-) yeah we all know what we are on about! The only top which suits women well is topless! So i even got out of there. Jewelry was very expensive, she has too many watches, and she has too many everything. So i have decided that the best gift if you want to surprise the 'female' is to buy a chainsaw! Imagine her with that thing rumbling in her arms! That’s definitely a pleasant surprise to you, so this has to be the first gift where a man is happy with the money spent on a woman! Godspeed Lara Croft!
The time after shopping was quite boring as i was taking the evening flight back to Zambia. But in the meantime i had to visit a CAN manufacturing plant and was to be picked up. Now what you usually expect is a bloke with a very boring name and a huge title to pick you up. But my god! Here pulls in to the driveway of the hotel, one stunning blonde in a Mini Cooper. I always have maintained it that a girl in a mini is the hottest thing to have happened since Tabasco sauce. I don’t remember much of the can plant as sorry this lady was simply worth all my attention. Have been in touch with her since, let’s see where it all ends. After the CAN tour she dropped me off to the airport and for once i was actually sad to be leaving Jo’burg. I simply hate the place, it’s just everyone thinks they have the biggest balls, and there are others who go there for a few months and come back with new accents and also new clothing style. Sadly there is no more individuality in this world and people are not proud of where they come from. The definitive characteristics are simply not acceptable anymore, and people think they are and want to be cool! Hey, if wearing flashy clothes and swearing and talking nonsense in a fake accent made you cool, then i would be happy to die today. The reality distortion bubble will burst. So will any bubble. So let’s be who we are. What say?
So here I am on a short flight from Jo’burg to Lusaka, where me being just me, was on the lookout for something to crap myself with laughter! I try to see if i can amuse myself with the person who simply can’t physically accept that his hand luggage will not fit on to the overhead storage! Then you have the elder ladies who get their seats all confused and cause a ripple effect where some passengers just think they were not even meant to be sitting! There was this old lady once who mistook her window seat for the pilot’s seat! And as she was old the pilot wasted no time in having a futile argument and just let her fly. Of course I am kidding here! If it was that simple i would always have been at the wheel! I swear! Or is it a wheel? Whatever that thing is! As far as I know it’s what used to be "Joysticks" on old desktops. But that’s a scary thought as you can never behave when you have a ‘Joystick’ in your hand and i definitely don’t want somebody with my life in his hands, deciding to try a backflip somersault in a machine that has the acrobatical abilities of let’s say me, 38,000 ft. up in the air! That would simply not be a good idea!
So now getting back to my idea of having a laugh, surprisingly i was failing. People somehow were well behaved, air hostesses (not being emirates) were of not much interest, the seat next to me was empty, pilot was not drunk, the emergency exit door did not just fly open, and all in all it was sensationally (man! I love that word!) boring! So i got back to my own tom foolery and was reading a book by Jeremy Clarkson, my absolute guru! I am his reincarnation in many ways, but he is still alive, don’t know how that works! I mean i am fat, i do stupid things, i like to have a pint and a laugh, i tease and wind, i am also nice sometimes, i take nothing seriously, i don’t care much of how i look, i sometime let my beard grow like fungus, and oh yes, before i forget, i love speed! Anything that can take me close to death gives me an unbelievable rage on! "Hard on" is not even sufficient to explain the sensation (short version of my favorite word)! So here i am with my guru and his tom foolery and then something grabs my attention! I as usual could not get a class upgrade, so my next favorite option is seats on the emergency exits. There is a lot of leg room and i stretch like a sack of blubber and doze off. I was on the aisle end, and there was a huge lady on the window seat. I am no fattist (everything in this world ends with 'ist') as i am fat myself. But my god! What amazes me is the check in desk gave her the window seat on an emergency exit! I think she was thinking that if somehow we lost the emergency door she would work like a cork and clog it and maintain the air pressure! So here i am sitting next to her, with an empty seat in the middle and there comes a very pretty air hostess. Then she speaks to the woman and asks her "mam, you are next to the emergency exit and i just want to confirm if you are willing to open the door in case of an emergency?" Really! What if she says "No???” I almost told the air hostess not to worry, if s**t happened i would throw the lady through the emergency exit! If i could lift her first! Then this was a smaller Boeing and hence i heard the air hostess say that we should get out of the emergency exit and then get on the wing and then get as far away as possible from the plane. Hold on! That’s smart! Very smartly avoiding how you do get off the wings onto wherever that is you are getting off to! I mean this is not a spoiler on a boy racer! This is a wing of a Boeing! That drop would kill most of us! So if you are going to plunge to your death, then why not be comfortable in your seat, i would even run to first class seats and have my last glass of johnnie walker! I mean i don’t want to die nor do you! Even if you are suicidal, you wouldn’t bet on getting on a flight and then hoping something goes wrong! Because truth be told, by statistics air is the safest mode of getting your lazy ass from one place to another.
So i was quite amused with all the happenings and the Clarkson read, but as usual was looking for more. I am for sure the unrestiest passenger there is on any flight! I did recall that the cabin commander whose name was Ricardo had sounded quite gay when he gave the first safety brief. But as he was a commander it meant he would only cater to the business class passengers. Every flight has 2 kinds of people. One is the rich and famous who fly business or first and then there is me who has to succumb to the horrid conditions of the economy class. But when the decent had begun for Lusaka the commander came into the economy class to complete final checks, to make sure i am belted to my seat and not playing about with some snakes! For the record 'snakes on a plane' has to be the worst movie ever produced! I mean what they were even thinking! So here he comes and the guy on the opposite row of mine asks him for a cup of coffee without milk. I won’t use the word black coffee as i have been quite a lot politically incorrect off late! So i was watching the whole episode. Our man Ricardo just stands tall, buzzes one of the cabin crew, and when he has attention of the crew member at the far end of the plane, starts with his dumb shards game! He moves his lips in the tune to the word coffee which i am sure was understood. Then is the tough part, without milk! Our gay Ricardo does a 4 second pinch of his nipple and then says no! I mean i have nothing against gay people, one of my housemate was incredibly gay a few years ago, and I especially love the lesbian type. But this was ridiculous! Watching a grown ass man pinch his own nipples in a gay way in the middle of a Boeing cabin! I simply couldn’t stop myself and almost literally crapped myself bursting in laughter! This somehow offended both 'our man Ricardo' as well as the guy who wanted coffee which was not white! I simply couldn’t care less! I was giggly even when we reached Lusaka and i was driving home! These people should quit dumb shards and simply go to Pictionary!
Now back from Jo’burg, i get into work on a Monday and the first email i receive is that i do indeed get my Lebanese visa. I waste no time as i have been waiting for some time now to go to Beirut. I have quite a few Lebanese friends and as far as i can understand it is simply an amazing place. And of course the Lebanese women are known worldwide for their beauty. So i was to fly out the very next day and was like a fish out of water. I finally board the Ethiopian airways flight to Ethiopia and then would be connecting to Beirut from Addis Ababa.
Now Ethiopian has to be the only airline in the world with an amazing split personality! It can appease you as much as it can piss you off! There are some amazing + points but some of the things they do will absolutely leave you livid. Now let’s just get to Lebanon instead of wasting a paragraph or more on the Airline, they don’t deserve it!
Everybody sings in praise of their own country and this was exactly my conclusion when my Lebanese friends used to say the same. Thanks to Murdoch I still thought that Lebanon was amazingly war-torn and I would be greeted by not immigration department but by military barracks, I wouldn’t stay in a hotel but in makeshift concentration camps built on sites of severe bombing by Iraq, that I would not be going to restaurants but be on food stamps! Hands down, I have never been so wrong ever in my life! Ever! I mean my god! What a place! Blue sea, snow clad mountains, hundreds of high rise buildings, every brand in the world, the best night life, the impeccable service, the friendliest people! And yes! The most amazing women I have ever in ever met anywhere in my life! It is simply so vulgar and exotic! And then there is the food! And then ‘Arak’ locally made hard liquor with insane amount of alcohol (got a bottle back and got many people in Zambia absolutely plastered!)! Further there is ‘Argyle’ a very cool word for traditional ‘Hookah’ or ‘Sheesh’, by far the best I have had! Then the ‘Doudou’ shots! I met a fantastic couple who really made sure I had a great time! The only thing which puzzles me vividly is that with all these resources and huge imbalance in women to men ratio (lots more women, yeah!) how the hell is it that the men find time or interest to do things which has many times almost collapsed the country on all fronts! Some things are just beyond me! But one thing is for sure. I will not miss any opportunity ever to visit this amazing place!
Now back in Zambia, with the African Cup of Nations going on, the excitement levels have been amazing! But when we finally did make it to the final, my company and thanks to ‘kasha’ (a guy from one of my old blog) we booked the entire 1000 seats in the biggest cinema in Zambia! Tickets were given out to people from various walks and sits of life and it was going to be one big party! And due to unfortunate incidents many years ago this has to be the highest emotionally charged final ever in Football! And Zambia won! In style! Gave 15 million people a reason to go wild! We contributed to a 1000 of that proudly! This is one big party and let me get back to it! So till then, later.
For once, for Zambia, for not crying out loud!
Monday, 13 February 2012
Monday, 9 January 2012
The Rapper Diaries - Part 2 (3 Words, "in" Version)
I am screamin
Have been dreamin
Findin the meanin
Life so gleamin
In her seein
Slope am skiin
Happy am bein
Hole 1 teein
In life swaggin
On life gaggin
Goodies am baggin
Age am raggin
Fear am sheddin
Loss am cuttin
Past am dumpin
Beats am thumpin
Scoot am ridin
Music am drivin
Food am eatin
Juice am gulpin
She am diggin
Scotch am sippin
She is starin
Round am squarin
Feelings am airin
Sufferin am bearin
Cool am blarin
Table am chairin
Time am sharin
Custom am tearin
Target am flarin
Clothes am blazin
Peace am declarin
Speed am gearin
Risk am takin
She am makin
Life am givin
Love am oozin
Hand am holdin
Heart for takin
Up am lookin
Behind am leavin
Her am takin
Life am livin
Glass am raisin
Care am rainin
Further am gazin
Future am ownin
Cover am pushin
Basket am dunkin
Smooth am doin
Class am spillin
Sketch am drawin
Growth am thrivin
Fresh am breathin
She am needin
Face am smilin
Happy am feelin
Cycle am completin
God am thankin
Have been dreamin
Findin the meanin
Life so gleamin
In her seein
Slope am skiin
Happy am bein
Hole 1 teein
In life swaggin
On life gaggin
Goodies am baggin
Age am raggin
Fear am sheddin
Loss am cuttin
Past am dumpin
Beats am thumpin
Scoot am ridin
Music am drivin
Food am eatin
Juice am gulpin
She am diggin
Scotch am sippin
She is starin
Round am squarin
Feelings am airin
Sufferin am bearin
Cool am blarin
Table am chairin
Time am sharin
Custom am tearin
Target am flarin
Clothes am blazin
Peace am declarin
Speed am gearin
Risk am takin
She am makin
Life am givin
Love am oozin
Hand am holdin
Heart for takin
Up am lookin
Behind am leavin
Her am takin
Life am livin
Glass am raisin
Care am rainin
Further am gazin
Future am ownin
Cover am pushin
Basket am dunkin
Smooth am doin
Class am spillin
Sketch am drawin
Growth am thrivin
Fresh am breathin
She am needin
Face am smilin
Happy am feelin
Cycle am completin
God am thankin
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
The Monk who sold his Ferrari!
The blog has absolutely no relevance whatsoever to the title! I just came across this book at a girl’s pad and I think it’s a cool title. That’s about it! I am not a monk! I don’t own a Ferrari! I did have a couple of tees long back and yes also a pen but rather pointless when you drive a banger! It was getting to me that “I did not own a Ferrari”! So got rid of them! Do know people who own them and have been in them but that’s about it. It requires me to work really hard or start my own business or maybe find myself a millionaire bride! As I had ADHD and am sensationally (still in love with the word) lazy I think option 3 is the most suitable. Now open season continues! Shared my thoughts with an ex-girlfriend of mine and she said it wasn’t expected of me to be so shallow! Well girl there are a lot of things which a Ferrari can do to me which you couldn’t! ;-)! Yeah my first smiley! Blackberry has made me a slave!
Now the most pressing issue in my life is men using men’s room and then washing their hands! I mean ok I get it! It’s all about hygiene! But have been noticing off late that men if given a choice would even have a shower! That’s just ridiculous! Now before I continue I would like to stress that I am not a male chauvinist! I am speaking only about men here as I would be quite sure that women don’t need their hands in this scenario! If you do then go get your sex confirmed! So back to the topic. First argument is it’s your own bloody veg! I mean is it only at the public urinal that you clean it or something? And are you not wearing clean pants? What’s the idea here? I mean I can challenge you that you would have never ever been so keen on self-hygiene at home! Then why when there are others around? Are you doing us all a favor or yourself? Now before you judge me here will give you an insight! An average tap in any urinal in the world has on average a billion in population of harmful germs! So you are much better of holding your own tap in your hand than the one which is man-made! Now I do know that there are places with sensors than taps so you are not touching anything. But remember these are posh and well maintained places so chances are you don’t need to do anything. So when you have a shower if you do just spend a couple of minutes extra on getting it gleaming! And I am not saying if I do it or not! This is just my observation! And if you are wondering how jobless should I be to have this as a pressing issue in my life then – Yeah! I am on holiday!
Now on my holiday I am in India land! I was here in June 2011! But it’s just mind boggling, the speed with which things change for the good here! I mean the calm women 6 months back have gone insanely wild! And hell no! I am not complaining! The population is a testament to this insane heat! And then there is the economy boom! I mean the whole world is again on the brink of recession, UK has even declared it! But here I see Ferraris, Lambos, Zondas, Bugattis, etc by the dozen! Now don’t talk to me of Astons you poor guy! I mean it’s superbly demotivating! I used to be very proud of my Hilux but now that’s for sure just a stepping stone! I need to work hard or go back to my option 3! But the best bit of India has to be – The FOOD! A million places to hang out or take out! A billion varieties to try! A trillion smiles! Name it you get it! Anytime! My culinary escapades have already hit such heights in a week that my best friend thinks I have already gone fat! Well let me tell you this, I wasn’t exactly skinny to begin with! Lol! Was at a restaurant yesterday night and I counted the individual items on both the food and drinks menu and it totaled to 637 entries! This is one place! And we ordered with all courses inclusive maybe 8 entries! The true definition of ‘spoilt for choice’! And it was her who selected all of those as my deductive reasoning sucks quite a bit! Thanks! I stay in a place now where the only choice is the choice of meat!
I was getting lazy at home and my mum who is not much used to seeing me around for the last 6 years was suggesting I get of off my futon and go somewhere out! Now that’s all good as long as I am hitching but I hate using the public transport! It’s quite good but limits your choices and sudden changes of decision which happens a lot! I need to keep a secretary (which I can’t afford) as every phone call changes my itinerary! And that’s quite a headache when you end up with people who are ‘sending’! Find out for yourself what it means! So then I decided to try my luck at a two-wheeler (big thing in India). I managed to sort one out! Thanks to her! And it was a scooter! A new one, only 600kms on the clock! There was a problem here though! It has been 6 years that I rode one of these! So very cautiously I wore the super tight helmet and started off! Took me less than a few meters for me to unleash all its power (almost non-existent, it’s a bloody scooter)! Then I realized it is not for how long I did not do it! It’s like swimming or sex! It is in me! It is in my blood! It is in my DNA! Within a couple of kilometers I was back to my inglorious college days! I was havoc on the streets of Bangalore! Man! Damn! What fun! There wasn’t one gap I did not squeeze myself through! Here I was being a ‘Kine King’ (called due to my acrobatic and daredevil style of riding in my college days) again! Countless honks and abuses hurled at me! But it was amazing! I was not only mobile but crazily mobile! I am sure if I did pass someone who knew me in my old days would have guessed that it was me behind that ridiculously small helmet! Fly’s and donuts! I won’t speak much more as the owner of the scooter might actually read and be crossed! And will let you guys in on another secret. I agree a car is a very convenient way of getting around and you have a lot of space to fool around but trust me get a girl behind you on one of these and you are already home! Lol! Two problems to this orgasmic motoring experience though. Firstly, both my brother and I are hugely accident prone so I hope the next 10 days doesn’t kill me! Secondly as I have to wear a helmet (compulsory by the government – what’s that all about!?) it messes my DO! My 5th best feature! But it is all worth it! Many of my friends have gone for bikes now which are above a 1000CC! Will be riding them shortly! Wow! Even if I die then so be it! Beats dying in the bed let’s say to prolonged cancer! So the streets of Bangalore are my home for the foreseeable future (10 days)! So when it comes to returning the scooter to the owner I will leave it in an undisclosed location and message the address once I am on the flight out of India, there will for sure be fireworks!
So now that we are in 2012, I started the year by randomly trying to find the most innovative new year wish I could come across on the internet – random searches, blogs, facetube, youbook, etc all that jazz! I wanted to see how witty can people get! Some of them were simply awful! Some were good! One stood out! And to no surprise it’s my good old mate from England land – Andy! I run my other blog for him! The guy should have ‘humor’ as his middle name! His wish read as so – “Happy New Year. May all your wishes come true, cept for the one with the donkey, that’s illegal!” LOL! ROTFL! LMFAO! Andy! Wow! You still got it old man! Death by laughter (somebody is not going to be happy I again stole a line).
So to Bangalore, to scooter, to women, to booze, to _ _ _ _ _, to food, to friends, to family, to everything, I Salut! Thanks a million! Made my year end well and another one start well! I am deeply indebted!
Happy New Year again to everyone! And some of you 'numbnuts', please don’t ask me what does ‘cept’ mean in Andy’s new year wish!
Oh for crying out loud!
Now the most pressing issue in my life is men using men’s room and then washing their hands! I mean ok I get it! It’s all about hygiene! But have been noticing off late that men if given a choice would even have a shower! That’s just ridiculous! Now before I continue I would like to stress that I am not a male chauvinist! I am speaking only about men here as I would be quite sure that women don’t need their hands in this scenario! If you do then go get your sex confirmed! So back to the topic. First argument is it’s your own bloody veg! I mean is it only at the public urinal that you clean it or something? And are you not wearing clean pants? What’s the idea here? I mean I can challenge you that you would have never ever been so keen on self-hygiene at home! Then why when there are others around? Are you doing us all a favor or yourself? Now before you judge me here will give you an insight! An average tap in any urinal in the world has on average a billion in population of harmful germs! So you are much better of holding your own tap in your hand than the one which is man-made! Now I do know that there are places with sensors than taps so you are not touching anything. But remember these are posh and well maintained places so chances are you don’t need to do anything. So when you have a shower if you do just spend a couple of minutes extra on getting it gleaming! And I am not saying if I do it or not! This is just my observation! And if you are wondering how jobless should I be to have this as a pressing issue in my life then – Yeah! I am on holiday!
Now on my holiday I am in India land! I was here in June 2011! But it’s just mind boggling, the speed with which things change for the good here! I mean the calm women 6 months back have gone insanely wild! And hell no! I am not complaining! The population is a testament to this insane heat! And then there is the economy boom! I mean the whole world is again on the brink of recession, UK has even declared it! But here I see Ferraris, Lambos, Zondas, Bugattis, etc by the dozen! Now don’t talk to me of Astons you poor guy! I mean it’s superbly demotivating! I used to be very proud of my Hilux but now that’s for sure just a stepping stone! I need to work hard or go back to my option 3! But the best bit of India has to be – The FOOD! A million places to hang out or take out! A billion varieties to try! A trillion smiles! Name it you get it! Anytime! My culinary escapades have already hit such heights in a week that my best friend thinks I have already gone fat! Well let me tell you this, I wasn’t exactly skinny to begin with! Lol! Was at a restaurant yesterday night and I counted the individual items on both the food and drinks menu and it totaled to 637 entries! This is one place! And we ordered with all courses inclusive maybe 8 entries! The true definition of ‘spoilt for choice’! And it was her who selected all of those as my deductive reasoning sucks quite a bit! Thanks! I stay in a place now where the only choice is the choice of meat!
I was getting lazy at home and my mum who is not much used to seeing me around for the last 6 years was suggesting I get of off my futon and go somewhere out! Now that’s all good as long as I am hitching but I hate using the public transport! It’s quite good but limits your choices and sudden changes of decision which happens a lot! I need to keep a secretary (which I can’t afford) as every phone call changes my itinerary! And that’s quite a headache when you end up with people who are ‘sending’! Find out for yourself what it means! So then I decided to try my luck at a two-wheeler (big thing in India). I managed to sort one out! Thanks to her! And it was a scooter! A new one, only 600kms on the clock! There was a problem here though! It has been 6 years that I rode one of these! So very cautiously I wore the super tight helmet and started off! Took me less than a few meters for me to unleash all its power (almost non-existent, it’s a bloody scooter)! Then I realized it is not for how long I did not do it! It’s like swimming or sex! It is in me! It is in my blood! It is in my DNA! Within a couple of kilometers I was back to my inglorious college days! I was havoc on the streets of Bangalore! Man! Damn! What fun! There wasn’t one gap I did not squeeze myself through! Here I was being a ‘Kine King’ (called due to my acrobatic and daredevil style of riding in my college days) again! Countless honks and abuses hurled at me! But it was amazing! I was not only mobile but crazily mobile! I am sure if I did pass someone who knew me in my old days would have guessed that it was me behind that ridiculously small helmet! Fly’s and donuts! I won’t speak much more as the owner of the scooter might actually read and be crossed! And will let you guys in on another secret. I agree a car is a very convenient way of getting around and you have a lot of space to fool around but trust me get a girl behind you on one of these and you are already home! Lol! Two problems to this orgasmic motoring experience though. Firstly, both my brother and I are hugely accident prone so I hope the next 10 days doesn’t kill me! Secondly as I have to wear a helmet (compulsory by the government – what’s that all about!?) it messes my DO! My 5th best feature! But it is all worth it! Many of my friends have gone for bikes now which are above a 1000CC! Will be riding them shortly! Wow! Even if I die then so be it! Beats dying in the bed let’s say to prolonged cancer! So the streets of Bangalore are my home for the foreseeable future (10 days)! So when it comes to returning the scooter to the owner I will leave it in an undisclosed location and message the address once I am on the flight out of India, there will for sure be fireworks!
So now that we are in 2012, I started the year by randomly trying to find the most innovative new year wish I could come across on the internet – random searches, blogs, facetube, youbook, etc all that jazz! I wanted to see how witty can people get! Some of them were simply awful! Some were good! One stood out! And to no surprise it’s my good old mate from England land – Andy! I run my other blog for him! The guy should have ‘humor’ as his middle name! His wish read as so – “Happy New Year. May all your wishes come true, cept for the one with the donkey, that’s illegal!” LOL! ROTFL! LMFAO! Andy! Wow! You still got it old man! Death by laughter (somebody is not going to be happy I again stole a line).
So to Bangalore, to scooter, to women, to booze, to _ _ _ _ _, to food, to friends, to family, to everything, I Salut! Thanks a million! Made my year end well and another one start well! I am deeply indebted!
Happy New Year again to everyone! And some of you 'numbnuts', please don’t ask me what does ‘cept’ mean in Andy’s new year wish!
Oh for crying out loud!
Saturday, 24 December 2011
The Confused Diaries - Part 2
It was a day when I was so frustrated with everything that was going on in my life that I just decided to throw in the towel. Now my throwing in the towel is not the act of quitting but I actually hurled a towel in anger! What I decided was that I need a break! I have had enough! Life is nice when it’s a roller coaster! But you need to know when is the goddam ride is ending. Otherwise it will suck you clean of every single juice which you need! This is exactly what happened. So I decided that before I actually have a burnout I need to get a break. Let’s leave the burnouts to cars shall we? So it meant only one thing, going to India. Bangalore to be precise as I don’t even know what constitutes the rest of India clearly. Never needed to know. My bang, bang, Bangalore is so amazing that everything else just looks like a waste of space excepting Goa. Of course Goa! So I slowly slid in the request to my CEO if I could and surprisingly enough he just said “why not?”, still haven’t gotten over that! I was actually imagining flares and crackers and blasts and smoke! Well that’s why they say you win some you lose some. Still don’t know who ‘They’ are! If anybody can help me here, then the help will surely go unappreciated! Go do better things you fool!
So here I am getting permission to go to India finally, the first Christmas and New Year in homeland aka kamasutra land aka ganja land! This is a rare occurrence as the last time was if I can try and remember, 6 years ago! So I am all excited and merry to be doing this and then embark on what is arguably the most difficult thing to do in December, booking bloody tickets! Why can’t the airlines just gear up? Why do they always have no seats? So here I am with food on the plate which I can’t eat! There is a cheque drawn but no money in the account! This similar feeling does occur every now and then in my life – I have a cigarette but no lighter! I literally go insane! A few nonsmokers around me carry contingency lighting equipment just to avoid my outburst! Lol! So here I am trying every single permutation and combination, I was even ready to transit via Afghanistan! I could not get one ticket confirmed! There was a leg in every journey that wouldn’t give me a leg up!
Then I almost confirmed that I would be flying Ethiopian! Now that’s not a great option but are lavish with their baggage allowance which I love milking it down to the very last drop! I don’t know why but my friends in Africa are all always very excited of me going to India and hence the luggage allowance helps! Quite a lot! But my ever preferred option is Emirates, shop like mad, fulfill peoples lists, and then you are home in 3 hours! That’s amazing! And I always feel fulfilling any list of shopping in Dubai is like playing a shorter transit version of “Treasure Hunt”. It is so ridiculously big, the choices are so numerous and the distance to walk is so humongous that I always declare disability and get ferried around! And that was a joke, I am no jerk! I actually work out only when in transit at airports! So finally the route I do manage to confirm my booking on is not very nice but I can say again, you win some and you lose some.
It was Lusaka – Kenya – Dubai – Bangalore! Now the first leg is Kenyan Airways! Trust me on this, they are more unpredictable than what Hitler would have been! They are so lazy that I would actually like to work for them! It would mean at the most 50 days work in a year! Cause they bloody don’t fly! This makes no business sense whatsoever! I mean for an airline to make money its fleet should be up in the air! But here is an airline which is somehow still viable and running though most of the planes are always grounded! The best reason for it to be grounded – “We simply couldn’t be bothered”! Looking at the departure and arrival screen is like looking at an F1 screen when things went wrong at Imola! We all know which incident I am referring to. This is the problem. The cancellations and delays are ridiculous! It’s the nerve of the airline that is the most amazing bit! You pay but they somehow think that you haven’t paid for the bit where they are meant to keep you informed and give you actual reasons! They just don’t think so!
So I wasn’t even looking forward to this journey as I knew things would go ‘tits up’ at the very beginning! Yup! A bit of dirty on my blog! For **** sakes! This is my blog! Let’s not forget that! So I get to the airport in Lusaka early, as usual, finish all my check in and other things and still yet again there is a delay! There is an indefinite delay! Kenyan ******* Airlines! You got to be kidding me! But I did not sweat much this time as the gap between this one and my next flight on Emirates to Dubai was quite large. And then eventually the flight does decide to leave and here I am on my way to Kenya! If you remember some previous post of mine, it was Kenya where I was stranded the first time I was in Africa! So I finally touch down at what should be correctly named as “Jomo Kenyatta Colossally ******* Claustrophobic International Airport”!!!!!!! I mean I was actually gasping for breath and fresh air! I mean it is humid, extremely humid but the humidity is not because of the outside weather but the caged people inside! Eeeeeeek! Guess who I learnt this “Eeeeeeek” line from! I was so desperate and was on a call to my best friend (quite simply the best there is) vividly telling her about the hell I am being subjected to and an idea popped to my head!
I decided the best way to avoid all the nausea is to smoke! Yes I smoke! So now I walk up to a counter and ask the lady to direct me to the smoking lounge politely and surprise, surprise! She has another Kenyan bomb ready to drop! “Sir, this airport does not have a smoking lounge! I mean you can’t smoke anywhere in this airport! If you do want to smoke that badly then you will have to actually get yourself a transit visa and get out into Kenya and then you can smoke”! No seriously! So I suggest the idea of me jumping off a window or something to my bff and she as usual gets excited with it! So I finally decide to go for the cigarette and it has by far been the most expensive cigarette of my life! One cigarette costs me US$ 40! That’s like 200,000 in Zambian Kwacha! Or some Zillion Kajillion Zimbabwe Dollars! The inference is absolutely simple! I need to quit smoking! I know I can be an idiot and hence I should avoid being one!
Then I walk back into to departure terminal and realize I still have 6 whole hours before my next flight! This is usually the tipping point where I go on a rampage! A crazy one! But somehow I convince myself to do something positive in turn! I walk in to the check in counters and decide to give it my best shot! I walk to the counter where there is an opposite sex person (female you half-wit!) and exuberate my sweetness and smoothness! And my oh my! She gives me a free upgrade to business class all the way home! And suddenly everything seems alright! And then I just wave my boarding pass around and get into the first class lounge and there it is – unlimited alcohol (always the best bit), unlimited food, internet, air conditioning (still a big thing in Africa), luxurious couches and recliners! Man I am home! I should do this every time until the day when I am officially banned from flying! No but this is luxury! And this is where I am writing this blog from! I request all those who read in the first 2-3 days of publishing to let me know of all the spelling errors and syntax errors! And my bff will be the first to respond on this I am sure! Iwe, stop correcting me all the time! You don’t know what nice and unlimited whiskey can do to somebody! So let me rest a bit, hopefully get on the right flight, get some sleep and continue writing when I actually get to Dubai and am done with the treasure hunt! On that bombshell for now, goodnight!
And we begin where we left off yesterday! The only difference is that I am in a totally different continent already! And in a better one! I am in Asia! And I love the Dubai Airport! I have already finished whatever I needed to shop and am now going to rest. Though I was looking forward to my journey here, as it goes there were more surprises in store! This is my other usual scrap with the flights – the bloody idiots who sit next to you! Honestly if I am not smiling or having unnecessary conversations with you then chances are that I don’t want to! Do not show your relentless resilience to a stranger! There was this Indian girl – I usually like the breed but my god! She would simply not shut up! Absolutely going on and on like a gramophone with its pin jammed! The flight being at night is when usually people sleep! And every time I doze off she would wake me up telling me she wants to use the loo! Next time get your ******* seat in there! And then there are always kids on flights who want a piece of your food though what they have on their seat is exactly the same! It is not far off before I get jailed for lamping one of such child! I swear I will do it! I am actually that frustrated!
I think I did drink a bit too much at Nairobi and then on the flight! I don’t feel good! So the solution is quite simple! Drink even more! It is 6:30 AM and I am sitting here with a glass of Johnie Walker! The day is not far off that I keep walking and I end up being crippled! But I am not reporting to work and am on holiday so why not? And it happens to be Christmas! This brings me to the main intention of my writing anything at all on the blog! Sorry I got derailed a bit!
So my dear friends and families and acquaintances and people I don’t know and the others, I wish you all a very merry Christmas and an even merrier new year, 2012. May you all find and achieve more than you desire. Good or bad I don’t care, it’s what you want, so go for it! I am as usual making no resolutions, just living life a day at a time. I hope I rejuvenate and replenish completely on this vacation of mine and bring my sexy back! I am getting confused now with this ‘sexy’ thing as I am not sure whether I am referring to someone else or myself! The hunt is on! Open Season!
Somebody special whispered something in my ear, quite recently and almost had my heart stop! Honestly! So, I am now officially a member of “Near Death Experience Club”! She almost killed me with the line!
Phew! Oh for crying out loud! Phew!
So here I am getting permission to go to India finally, the first Christmas and New Year in homeland aka kamasutra land aka ganja land! This is a rare occurrence as the last time was if I can try and remember, 6 years ago! So I am all excited and merry to be doing this and then embark on what is arguably the most difficult thing to do in December, booking bloody tickets! Why can’t the airlines just gear up? Why do they always have no seats? So here I am with food on the plate which I can’t eat! There is a cheque drawn but no money in the account! This similar feeling does occur every now and then in my life – I have a cigarette but no lighter! I literally go insane! A few nonsmokers around me carry contingency lighting equipment just to avoid my outburst! Lol! So here I am trying every single permutation and combination, I was even ready to transit via Afghanistan! I could not get one ticket confirmed! There was a leg in every journey that wouldn’t give me a leg up!
Then I almost confirmed that I would be flying Ethiopian! Now that’s not a great option but are lavish with their baggage allowance which I love milking it down to the very last drop! I don’t know why but my friends in Africa are all always very excited of me going to India and hence the luggage allowance helps! Quite a lot! But my ever preferred option is Emirates, shop like mad, fulfill peoples lists, and then you are home in 3 hours! That’s amazing! And I always feel fulfilling any list of shopping in Dubai is like playing a shorter transit version of “Treasure Hunt”. It is so ridiculously big, the choices are so numerous and the distance to walk is so humongous that I always declare disability and get ferried around! And that was a joke, I am no jerk! I actually work out only when in transit at airports! So finally the route I do manage to confirm my booking on is not very nice but I can say again, you win some and you lose some.
It was Lusaka – Kenya – Dubai – Bangalore! Now the first leg is Kenyan Airways! Trust me on this, they are more unpredictable than what Hitler would have been! They are so lazy that I would actually like to work for them! It would mean at the most 50 days work in a year! Cause they bloody don’t fly! This makes no business sense whatsoever! I mean for an airline to make money its fleet should be up in the air! But here is an airline which is somehow still viable and running though most of the planes are always grounded! The best reason for it to be grounded – “We simply couldn’t be bothered”! Looking at the departure and arrival screen is like looking at an F1 screen when things went wrong at Imola! We all know which incident I am referring to. This is the problem. The cancellations and delays are ridiculous! It’s the nerve of the airline that is the most amazing bit! You pay but they somehow think that you haven’t paid for the bit where they are meant to keep you informed and give you actual reasons! They just don’t think so!
So I wasn’t even looking forward to this journey as I knew things would go ‘tits up’ at the very beginning! Yup! A bit of dirty on my blog! For **** sakes! This is my blog! Let’s not forget that! So I get to the airport in Lusaka early, as usual, finish all my check in and other things and still yet again there is a delay! There is an indefinite delay! Kenyan ******* Airlines! You got to be kidding me! But I did not sweat much this time as the gap between this one and my next flight on Emirates to Dubai was quite large. And then eventually the flight does decide to leave and here I am on my way to Kenya! If you remember some previous post of mine, it was Kenya where I was stranded the first time I was in Africa! So I finally touch down at what should be correctly named as “Jomo Kenyatta Colossally ******* Claustrophobic International Airport”!!!!!!! I mean I was actually gasping for breath and fresh air! I mean it is humid, extremely humid but the humidity is not because of the outside weather but the caged people inside! Eeeeeeek! Guess who I learnt this “Eeeeeeek” line from! I was so desperate and was on a call to my best friend (quite simply the best there is) vividly telling her about the hell I am being subjected to and an idea popped to my head!
I decided the best way to avoid all the nausea is to smoke! Yes I smoke! So now I walk up to a counter and ask the lady to direct me to the smoking lounge politely and surprise, surprise! She has another Kenyan bomb ready to drop! “Sir, this airport does not have a smoking lounge! I mean you can’t smoke anywhere in this airport! If you do want to smoke that badly then you will have to actually get yourself a transit visa and get out into Kenya and then you can smoke”! No seriously! So I suggest the idea of me jumping off a window or something to my bff and she as usual gets excited with it! So I finally decide to go for the cigarette and it has by far been the most expensive cigarette of my life! One cigarette costs me US$ 40! That’s like 200,000 in Zambian Kwacha! Or some Zillion Kajillion Zimbabwe Dollars! The inference is absolutely simple! I need to quit smoking! I know I can be an idiot and hence I should avoid being one!
Then I walk back into to departure terminal and realize I still have 6 whole hours before my next flight! This is usually the tipping point where I go on a rampage! A crazy one! But somehow I convince myself to do something positive in turn! I walk in to the check in counters and decide to give it my best shot! I walk to the counter where there is an opposite sex person (female you half-wit!) and exuberate my sweetness and smoothness! And my oh my! She gives me a free upgrade to business class all the way home! And suddenly everything seems alright! And then I just wave my boarding pass around and get into the first class lounge and there it is – unlimited alcohol (always the best bit), unlimited food, internet, air conditioning (still a big thing in Africa), luxurious couches and recliners! Man I am home! I should do this every time until the day when I am officially banned from flying! No but this is luxury! And this is where I am writing this blog from! I request all those who read in the first 2-3 days of publishing to let me know of all the spelling errors and syntax errors! And my bff will be the first to respond on this I am sure! Iwe, stop correcting me all the time! You don’t know what nice and unlimited whiskey can do to somebody! So let me rest a bit, hopefully get on the right flight, get some sleep and continue writing when I actually get to Dubai and am done with the treasure hunt! On that bombshell for now, goodnight!
And we begin where we left off yesterday! The only difference is that I am in a totally different continent already! And in a better one! I am in Asia! And I love the Dubai Airport! I have already finished whatever I needed to shop and am now going to rest. Though I was looking forward to my journey here, as it goes there were more surprises in store! This is my other usual scrap with the flights – the bloody idiots who sit next to you! Honestly if I am not smiling or having unnecessary conversations with you then chances are that I don’t want to! Do not show your relentless resilience to a stranger! There was this Indian girl – I usually like the breed but my god! She would simply not shut up! Absolutely going on and on like a gramophone with its pin jammed! The flight being at night is when usually people sleep! And every time I doze off she would wake me up telling me she wants to use the loo! Next time get your ******* seat in there! And then there are always kids on flights who want a piece of your food though what they have on their seat is exactly the same! It is not far off before I get jailed for lamping one of such child! I swear I will do it! I am actually that frustrated!
I think I did drink a bit too much at Nairobi and then on the flight! I don’t feel good! So the solution is quite simple! Drink even more! It is 6:30 AM and I am sitting here with a glass of Johnie Walker! The day is not far off that I keep walking and I end up being crippled! But I am not reporting to work and am on holiday so why not? And it happens to be Christmas! This brings me to the main intention of my writing anything at all on the blog! Sorry I got derailed a bit!
So my dear friends and families and acquaintances and people I don’t know and the others, I wish you all a very merry Christmas and an even merrier new year, 2012. May you all find and achieve more than you desire. Good or bad I don’t care, it’s what you want, so go for it! I am as usual making no resolutions, just living life a day at a time. I hope I rejuvenate and replenish completely on this vacation of mine and bring my sexy back! I am getting confused now with this ‘sexy’ thing as I am not sure whether I am referring to someone else or myself! The hunt is on! Open Season!
Somebody special whispered something in my ear, quite recently and almost had my heart stop! Honestly! So, I am now officially a member of “Near Death Experience Club”! She almost killed me with the line!
Phew! Oh for crying out loud! Phew!
Sunday, 4 December 2011
The Adventures of Mr. Jayaprakash
Firstly thanks to my friend “Kasha” for the heading of this blog. My unbelievable levels of non-commitment to my blog have left me ‘sensaaaaationally’ (a word I am in absolute love with) dazed even to find a bloody heading! But this is not even a heading! This is just a line on which I will have to build my blog from scratch now! It continues like this then it’s not long before I actually give up on this entire blog. I mean I am disappointed myself that I am not serious about it. All thanks to ADHD which I believe I used to suffer from in my younger years. The only cure to that they say is not to have had it in the first place!
Now the pressing issue in my life is to be thankful. I am very proud and satisfied today that I have good friends I mean great friends round the globe. There are so many of you in so many countries who are there for me and I only can hope I can be half as much. But there are some who have simply raised the bar of friendship so high that it is like gazing at the moon on a clear night and wondering if I would ever reach there, I would never be able to say ‘thanks’ enough. I am content in life with friends like you, I thank you.
Now let’s get back to my usual nonsense. This is an extremely public blog of mine (of course I do control the comments and many never become public) but what I write is for anyone to read. I was recently in Robert’s Land (Zimbabwe for those who don’t watch the news!) and I can only say this – I was thoroughly amazed! Not positively but negatively! Now this was a country which used to be called the ‘bread basket’ but today imports more than it produces. There are a few tall buildings (I won’t use the word ‘skyscrapers’ as all my friends in Americas, Middle East, etc. will be like – WTF! LOL!), but today they are just like ancient Rome. They are there today, they might even fall down one day, could even be tomorrow! Harare is such an ironic city that you just can’t help wonder what it is and what it actually could have been! I was lucky though to meet some amazing people who did show me a very good time around the charming city. Then I ended up in the gun ranges on the weekend. Now this is such an obsession off late that every part of me wants to keep pulling triggers! I will not disclose what weapons I fired here as there could be serious implications. Freedom of speech varies from nation to nation and I definitely don’t want to get behind bars! Well Zimbabwe is where I will be spending quite a bit of time from now, so as long as there are enough bullets!
One of the other topics which are common on my blog is my sheer misfortune whenever I get to an airport! If it is not a direct flight then there is always bad luck looming over me like ‘Enola Gay’ and then just drops the ‘little boy’ on me! Surprisingly I have even begun to have issues with even direct flights! I mean c’mon! I was at Harare international airport waiting to board my flight to Zambia. This is just a 40 min flight and that’s less time than what I usually need to get home from work! I am always in a car pool and one of my workmates, she literally lives in the jungle! So it is almost every day that I have to keep my eyes open for a herd of elephants or other animals that can very easily put an end to me and not even be prosecuted for it! Now coming back to my misery, I was there sitting in the smoking lounge (of course smoking!) awaiting announcement of boarding, as I did not trust the screens because it still had 22nd October 2007 on them! Yes that’s right this is Africa and things do sometimes freeze here despite the heat! Then I decided it was alarmingly close to the flight time and hence made my way to an airport official (nothing official about him!) and asked him of the status. He just tells me to get back in the smoking lounge and enjoy another ‘stick of death’ as he had no clue of what was the status of the flight! I did not enjoy my next cigarette much and then I tried to give it another shot and approached a different official this time. He did have a reason for the delay! Finally! Somebody! I have heard and tried to digest many reasons in my life for flight delays but this simply topped every one of them! It was the first time that I did not want to lynch at the person but was on the floor in sheer pain caused due to uncontrollable laughter! He said this “Sir, I apologize for the delay in flight to Zambia, this is due to the pilot of your Air Zimbabwe flight accidentally taking the flight to the domestic terminal instead of international, be rest assured we are ‘trying’ to figure out how to sort the mess!”. Yes that’s right! I was really looking forward to boarding this maniacal piloted flight now! I wasn’t even sure he knew where Zambia was, I don’t mind a wrong destination as long as it is Madagascar!
Then finally they sorted it out, the flight was in the air and the air hostess came with her usual trolley. I have seen a variety of drinks served on flights but for god sakes ‘Mazoe’! Now for all the many of you who will read this who are not in Southern Africa let me help you, ‘Mazoe’ is equivalent of ‘Robinsons’ in Europe, ‘Rasna’ in Asia, ‘I don’t know’ in Americas and ‘I don’t care’ in Australia. Honestly, who serves post mix juice on a flight?! But luckily the flight was so short that it landed well before my amusement did!
Now back in Zambia, I have been on a roller coaster for the last few months. Most of the things in my life have been dilly-dallying, my work being the first. I might have to move base to my Zimbabwe soon. I might have to do so many things soon, which directly contradict my slavery to monotony! I have been in thoughts and have finally decided to just go with the stride. I will be 27 years OLD soon and have simply decided one thing – ‘I am bringing sexy back, yet again’. I will be at a good friend’s birthday bash soon and the highlight of the event is belly dancers! I am not going to try and swim against the tide, the worst that could happen is me ending up in a coffin, but that’s not possible. I say this as there are no ‘coffin makers’ (hope that’s what they are called) in this world who do make wooden boxes big and strong enough to fit me in! So I am sure I have a good amount of time on my hand to make the best of what I have got.
I am simply one beer short of a six pack!
Oh for crying out loud!
Now the pressing issue in my life is to be thankful. I am very proud and satisfied today that I have good friends I mean great friends round the globe. There are so many of you in so many countries who are there for me and I only can hope I can be half as much. But there are some who have simply raised the bar of friendship so high that it is like gazing at the moon on a clear night and wondering if I would ever reach there, I would never be able to say ‘thanks’ enough. I am content in life with friends like you, I thank you.
Now let’s get back to my usual nonsense. This is an extremely public blog of mine (of course I do control the comments and many never become public) but what I write is for anyone to read. I was recently in Robert’s Land (Zimbabwe for those who don’t watch the news!) and I can only say this – I was thoroughly amazed! Not positively but negatively! Now this was a country which used to be called the ‘bread basket’ but today imports more than it produces. There are a few tall buildings (I won’t use the word ‘skyscrapers’ as all my friends in Americas, Middle East, etc. will be like – WTF! LOL!), but today they are just like ancient Rome. They are there today, they might even fall down one day, could even be tomorrow! Harare is such an ironic city that you just can’t help wonder what it is and what it actually could have been! I was lucky though to meet some amazing people who did show me a very good time around the charming city. Then I ended up in the gun ranges on the weekend. Now this is such an obsession off late that every part of me wants to keep pulling triggers! I will not disclose what weapons I fired here as there could be serious implications. Freedom of speech varies from nation to nation and I definitely don’t want to get behind bars! Well Zimbabwe is where I will be spending quite a bit of time from now, so as long as there are enough bullets!
One of the other topics which are common on my blog is my sheer misfortune whenever I get to an airport! If it is not a direct flight then there is always bad luck looming over me like ‘Enola Gay’ and then just drops the ‘little boy’ on me! Surprisingly I have even begun to have issues with even direct flights! I mean c’mon! I was at Harare international airport waiting to board my flight to Zambia. This is just a 40 min flight and that’s less time than what I usually need to get home from work! I am always in a car pool and one of my workmates, she literally lives in the jungle! So it is almost every day that I have to keep my eyes open for a herd of elephants or other animals that can very easily put an end to me and not even be prosecuted for it! Now coming back to my misery, I was there sitting in the smoking lounge (of course smoking!) awaiting announcement of boarding, as I did not trust the screens because it still had 22nd October 2007 on them! Yes that’s right this is Africa and things do sometimes freeze here despite the heat! Then I decided it was alarmingly close to the flight time and hence made my way to an airport official (nothing official about him!) and asked him of the status. He just tells me to get back in the smoking lounge and enjoy another ‘stick of death’ as he had no clue of what was the status of the flight! I did not enjoy my next cigarette much and then I tried to give it another shot and approached a different official this time. He did have a reason for the delay! Finally! Somebody! I have heard and tried to digest many reasons in my life for flight delays but this simply topped every one of them! It was the first time that I did not want to lynch at the person but was on the floor in sheer pain caused due to uncontrollable laughter! He said this “Sir, I apologize for the delay in flight to Zambia, this is due to the pilot of your Air Zimbabwe flight accidentally taking the flight to the domestic terminal instead of international, be rest assured we are ‘trying’ to figure out how to sort the mess!”. Yes that’s right! I was really looking forward to boarding this maniacal piloted flight now! I wasn’t even sure he knew where Zambia was, I don’t mind a wrong destination as long as it is Madagascar!
Then finally they sorted it out, the flight was in the air and the air hostess came with her usual trolley. I have seen a variety of drinks served on flights but for god sakes ‘Mazoe’! Now for all the many of you who will read this who are not in Southern Africa let me help you, ‘Mazoe’ is equivalent of ‘Robinsons’ in Europe, ‘Rasna’ in Asia, ‘I don’t know’ in Americas and ‘I don’t care’ in Australia. Honestly, who serves post mix juice on a flight?! But luckily the flight was so short that it landed well before my amusement did!
Now back in Zambia, I have been on a roller coaster for the last few months. Most of the things in my life have been dilly-dallying, my work being the first. I might have to move base to my Zimbabwe soon. I might have to do so many things soon, which directly contradict my slavery to monotony! I have been in thoughts and have finally decided to just go with the stride. I will be 27 years OLD soon and have simply decided one thing – ‘I am bringing sexy back, yet again’. I will be at a good friend’s birthday bash soon and the highlight of the event is belly dancers! I am not going to try and swim against the tide, the worst that could happen is me ending up in a coffin, but that’s not possible. I say this as there are no ‘coffin makers’ (hope that’s what they are called) in this world who do make wooden boxes big and strong enough to fit me in! So I am sure I have a good amount of time on my hand to make the best of what I have got.
I am simply one beer short of a six pack!
Oh for crying out loud!
Sunday, 6 November 2011
The Rapper Diaries - Part 1
Why I do what I do
Then you do it do it too
Life crazier at its tip
Wish I could shut her lip
Mind is street brawlin
Heart is creep crawlin
Just to crave for much booze
Spike it you, I loose
See her face if I do
Leave a shade draw it too
I am just merry trippin
Dunkin it scottie pippen
Running slow in the chase
Vision blindin in the haze
Off the limit goes the meter
Pearly gates, saint peter
In the blood such a rush
Win the game royal flush
They say I am 2 and 6
Chilling it is river styx
Within me am I lost
Scandal 77 nixon frost
In the search yes I am
Should I would I if I can
If the faith and the trust
In the lust or angel dust
See myself in the maze
Turn it up double bass
Take some shots empty zine
Life an end to the mean
If it croaks kill I am
Got a feelin will I am
In the middle an angel drops
Wild weed one that pops
Way she moves to the sound
Cuff me drag me impound
Take me home show me now
Make it rough boom boom pow
Then and when it’s done
I know not now which one
I just leave it make a choice
Make it break it just no noise
Pop it bleed it capo style
Keep walking half a mile
Thought is yours to make
I don’t lose I won’t break
If you want it show me why
There is here no battle cry
If it does should you try
If it does should you lie
Call the goons put a hit
Do what you feel is fit
I will win, inside job
Wish I had a volume knob
In this so was too much
In the end lost the touch
Dodged I think a sweet bullet
Life’s new board says To-Let
To the distance here I go
Life is too short to lay low
Miss think dream her yes I still
Reminisce her yes I will
Have no thoughts I can’t stop
Life’s a ladder to the top
Buckle up tight another race
Life’s a rally in your face
Let me tell you when I can
Give or take it, am a made man
Dammm .......
Oh for crying out loud!
Then you do it do it too
Life crazier at its tip
Wish I could shut her lip
Mind is street brawlin
Heart is creep crawlin
Just to crave for much booze
Spike it you, I loose
See her face if I do
Leave a shade draw it too
I am just merry trippin
Dunkin it scottie pippen
Running slow in the chase
Vision blindin in the haze
Off the limit goes the meter
Pearly gates, saint peter
In the blood such a rush
Win the game royal flush
They say I am 2 and 6
Chilling it is river styx
Within me am I lost
Scandal 77 nixon frost
In the search yes I am
Should I would I if I can
If the faith and the trust
In the lust or angel dust
See myself in the maze
Turn it up double bass
Take some shots empty zine
Life an end to the mean
If it croaks kill I am
Got a feelin will I am
In the middle an angel drops
Wild weed one that pops
Way she moves to the sound
Cuff me drag me impound
Take me home show me now
Make it rough boom boom pow
Then and when it’s done
I know not now which one
I just leave it make a choice
Make it break it just no noise
Pop it bleed it capo style
Keep walking half a mile
Thought is yours to make
I don’t lose I won’t break
If you want it show me why
There is here no battle cry
If it does should you try
If it does should you lie
Call the goons put a hit
Do what you feel is fit
I will win, inside job
Wish I had a volume knob
In this so was too much
In the end lost the touch
Dodged I think a sweet bullet
Life’s new board says To-Let
To the distance here I go
Life is too short to lay low
Miss think dream her yes I still
Reminisce her yes I will
Have no thoughts I can’t stop
Life’s a ladder to the top
Buckle up tight another race
Life’s a rally in your face
Let me tell you when I can
Give or take it, am a made man
Dammm .......
Oh for crying out loud!
Monday, 24 October 2011
The Confused Diaries - Part 1
Even before I begin I want to make one thing clear, I am only writing this because suddenly out of the blue I have found free time! I am amazed myself, this is a rare occurrence! My work is so tedious and hectic that sometimes when I do not have anything to do I draw blanks! So this blog is all about ‘improv’ (adapted from my idol Quagmire of Family Guy) as I have no idea what I am going to write after this line. So here we go, I think.
My new goal in life (it changes every second day) is to fire an AK-47! Now I am sure there are many of you, who at this instance are going to decide that I am in some way Gadhafi’s reincarnation! No! I am not talking about genocide here or of crimes against humanity! Now let us leave that to the Hitler’s of this world. I do not even have anything against Jews. I do not have anything against anybody. So back to AK-47! Now this is a gun which spawned after World War 2 but yet has managed to kill more people than malaria! Now that’s one unbelievable invention. Man vs. God! And man wins! Being a very typical male I have laid my hands and fired a few weapons. But this is Genesis. The number of AK-47’s in Zambia is unbelievable. Ever so often you find somebody just walking along the road with this creation hanging on their shoulder. There are women brandishing it at almost every ATM machine! Now do not for one second think of something out of the Royal Army Arsenal. This is Africa and the guns here are all used versions of many wars which thanks to many countries today that it is a common thing. They are old and rusty. But that’s the whole point of an AK! It works! And then again! And continues to do so! They say you are not a ‘petrol head’ until you have driven an Alfa Romeo. They say you are not a ‘bush head’ until you have owned a Victorinox. They say you are not a ‘smoke head’ until you own a classic zippo. They say you are not a ‘dope head’ until you roll it with rizla. Don’t ask me who ‘they’ are, I haven’t a clue myself. But am sure they say you are not a ‘d***head’ until you want to fire an AK! It does not matter to me what you say, I am going to try very hard to see if I can actually lay my hands on one and splatter a couple of rounds on a lake or a river. No do not call the eco-metals! I will make sure that I won’t kill any fish which somehow is ok if you bait it, hook it, suffer it, kill it, chop it, grill it and enjoy it! And do not call the cops this goal of mine might change come Tuesday!
Now the other pressing issue I need to speak about is the bloody heat here in Zambia! OMG (I do use savvy but hateful SMS language once in a while, they say it is cool, still don’t know who ‘they’ are!)! This is unbelievable. It is so hot that I sweat a lot! And then I go swimming frequently to cool off! And the worst part of all this is that if it continues I might become a bit fitter and a bit leaner! And this spoils the whole purpose as I have put in 25 years to see that I remain a bit rounder! And please now don’t tell me it is better if I lose a couple of inches, you either love me the way I am or you don’t! Simple as!
Today happens to be Zambian Independence Day. I tried my luck and sent a text message to a lot of Zambians in the sales team, many suppliers, many trade distributors and many customers. The message read “Happy Independence Day, My Fellow Zambian”. I knew I was trying my luck here but I was delighted to see the most warm and innovative replies ever. Just like India and UK, Zambia is now home as well.
This finally brings me to the point of my future. I have been seriously working to move to Zimbabwe. The move might happen in January. The company has also agreed in principle for the same. I now have been working on the same project and doing my personal PR for the last couple of months. My chief returned back to Zambia today. Now again don’t think about some tribal chief wearing feathers and preaching ‘oolalala’ dance. When I say chief I mean my CEO. I was discussing with him about the same developments and out of the blue he tells me to learn ‘French’. I was a bit perplexed but then he tells me he would want me to move to Morocco! Now if I know something about Morocco then that is white sandy beaches, sunshine, unbelievable women and European culture. Now there is nothing wrong with that! So maybe in a few months I will be living life in other ways it is meant to be lived! Honestly, I am again like a ‘boy in a bike store’ (Nicci always tells me this). And this happens to me a lot. Don’t laugh at me I am at least a kid and most of you have lost what’s arguably the best days of your life! So to French, so to Sahara, so to Morocco, so to all the other things I would not want to name, here I come, mostly, maybe!
And now I look back I had at least 5 good chances to learn French! I always thought who would ever need it?!
Oh for crying out loud!
My new goal in life (it changes every second day) is to fire an AK-47! Now I am sure there are many of you, who at this instance are going to decide that I am in some way Gadhafi’s reincarnation! No! I am not talking about genocide here or of crimes against humanity! Now let us leave that to the Hitler’s of this world. I do not even have anything against Jews. I do not have anything against anybody. So back to AK-47! Now this is a gun which spawned after World War 2 but yet has managed to kill more people than malaria! Now that’s one unbelievable invention. Man vs. God! And man wins! Being a very typical male I have laid my hands and fired a few weapons. But this is Genesis. The number of AK-47’s in Zambia is unbelievable. Ever so often you find somebody just walking along the road with this creation hanging on their shoulder. There are women brandishing it at almost every ATM machine! Now do not for one second think of something out of the Royal Army Arsenal. This is Africa and the guns here are all used versions of many wars which thanks to many countries today that it is a common thing. They are old and rusty. But that’s the whole point of an AK! It works! And then again! And continues to do so! They say you are not a ‘petrol head’ until you have driven an Alfa Romeo. They say you are not a ‘bush head’ until you have owned a Victorinox. They say you are not a ‘smoke head’ until you own a classic zippo. They say you are not a ‘dope head’ until you roll it with rizla. Don’t ask me who ‘they’ are, I haven’t a clue myself. But am sure they say you are not a ‘d***head’ until you want to fire an AK! It does not matter to me what you say, I am going to try very hard to see if I can actually lay my hands on one and splatter a couple of rounds on a lake or a river. No do not call the eco-metals! I will make sure that I won’t kill any fish which somehow is ok if you bait it, hook it, suffer it, kill it, chop it, grill it and enjoy it! And do not call the cops this goal of mine might change come Tuesday!
Now the other pressing issue I need to speak about is the bloody heat here in Zambia! OMG (I do use savvy but hateful SMS language once in a while, they say it is cool, still don’t know who ‘they’ are!)! This is unbelievable. It is so hot that I sweat a lot! And then I go swimming frequently to cool off! And the worst part of all this is that if it continues I might become a bit fitter and a bit leaner! And this spoils the whole purpose as I have put in 25 years to see that I remain a bit rounder! And please now don’t tell me it is better if I lose a couple of inches, you either love me the way I am or you don’t! Simple as!
Today happens to be Zambian Independence Day. I tried my luck and sent a text message to a lot of Zambians in the sales team, many suppliers, many trade distributors and many customers. The message read “Happy Independence Day, My Fellow Zambian”. I knew I was trying my luck here but I was delighted to see the most warm and innovative replies ever. Just like India and UK, Zambia is now home as well.
This finally brings me to the point of my future. I have been seriously working to move to Zimbabwe. The move might happen in January. The company has also agreed in principle for the same. I now have been working on the same project and doing my personal PR for the last couple of months. My chief returned back to Zambia today. Now again don’t think about some tribal chief wearing feathers and preaching ‘oolalala’ dance. When I say chief I mean my CEO. I was discussing with him about the same developments and out of the blue he tells me to learn ‘French’. I was a bit perplexed but then he tells me he would want me to move to Morocco! Now if I know something about Morocco then that is white sandy beaches, sunshine, unbelievable women and European culture. Now there is nothing wrong with that! So maybe in a few months I will be living life in other ways it is meant to be lived! Honestly, I am again like a ‘boy in a bike store’ (Nicci always tells me this). And this happens to me a lot. Don’t laugh at me I am at least a kid and most of you have lost what’s arguably the best days of your life! So to French, so to Sahara, so to Morocco, so to all the other things I would not want to name, here I come, mostly, maybe!
And now I look back I had at least 5 good chances to learn French! I always thought who would ever need it?!
Oh for crying out loud!
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