It was a day when I was so frustrated with everything that was going on in my life that I just decided to throw in the towel. Now my throwing in the towel is not the act of quitting but I actually hurled a towel in anger! What I decided was that I need a break! I have had enough! Life is nice when it’s a roller coaster! But you need to know when is the goddam ride is ending. Otherwise it will suck you clean of every single juice which you need! This is exactly what happened. So I decided that before I actually have a burnout I need to get a break. Let’s leave the burnouts to cars shall we? So it meant only one thing, going to India. Bangalore to be precise as I don’t even know what constitutes the rest of India clearly. Never needed to know. My bang, bang, Bangalore is so amazing that everything else just looks like a waste of space excepting Goa. Of course Goa! So I slowly slid in the request to my CEO if I could and surprisingly enough he just said “why not?”, still haven’t gotten over that! I was actually imagining flares and crackers and blasts and smoke! Well that’s why they say you win some you lose some. Still don’t know who ‘They’ are! If anybody can help me here, then the help will surely go unappreciated! Go do better things you fool!
So here I am getting permission to go to India finally, the first Christmas and New Year in homeland aka kamasutra land aka ganja land! This is a rare occurrence as the last time was if I can try and remember, 6 years ago! So I am all excited and merry to be doing this and then embark on what is arguably the most difficult thing to do in December, booking bloody tickets! Why can’t the airlines just gear up? Why do they always have no seats? So here I am with food on the plate which I can’t eat! There is a cheque drawn but no money in the account! This similar feeling does occur every now and then in my life – I have a cigarette but no lighter! I literally go insane! A few nonsmokers around me carry contingency lighting equipment just to avoid my outburst! Lol! So here I am trying every single permutation and combination, I was even ready to transit via Afghanistan! I could not get one ticket confirmed! There was a leg in every journey that wouldn’t give me a leg up!
Then I almost confirmed that I would be flying Ethiopian! Now that’s not a great option but are lavish with their baggage allowance which I love milking it down to the very last drop! I don’t know why but my friends in Africa are all always very excited of me going to India and hence the luggage allowance helps! Quite a lot! But my ever preferred option is Emirates, shop like mad, fulfill peoples lists, and then you are home in 3 hours! That’s amazing! And I always feel fulfilling any list of shopping in Dubai is like playing a shorter transit version of “Treasure Hunt”. It is so ridiculously big, the choices are so numerous and the distance to walk is so humongous that I always declare disability and get ferried around! And that was a joke, I am no jerk! I actually work out only when in transit at airports! So finally the route I do manage to confirm my booking on is not very nice but I can say again, you win some and you lose some.
It was Lusaka – Kenya – Dubai – Bangalore! Now the first leg is Kenyan Airways! Trust me on this, they are more unpredictable than what Hitler would have been! They are so lazy that I would actually like to work for them! It would mean at the most 50 days work in a year! Cause they bloody don’t fly! This makes no business sense whatsoever! I mean for an airline to make money its fleet should be up in the air! But here is an airline which is somehow still viable and running though most of the planes are always grounded! The best reason for it to be grounded – “We simply couldn’t be bothered”! Looking at the departure and arrival screen is like looking at an F1 screen when things went wrong at Imola! We all know which incident I am referring to. This is the problem. The cancellations and delays are ridiculous! It’s the nerve of the airline that is the most amazing bit! You pay but they somehow think that you haven’t paid for the bit where they are meant to keep you informed and give you actual reasons! They just don’t think so!
So I wasn’t even looking forward to this journey as I knew things would go ‘tits up’ at the very beginning! Yup! A bit of dirty on my blog! For **** sakes! This is my blog! Let’s not forget that! So I get to the airport in Lusaka early, as usual, finish all my check in and other things and still yet again there is a delay! There is an indefinite delay! Kenyan ******* Airlines! You got to be kidding me! But I did not sweat much this time as the gap between this one and my next flight on Emirates to Dubai was quite large. And then eventually the flight does decide to leave and here I am on my way to Kenya! If you remember some previous post of mine, it was Kenya where I was stranded the first time I was in Africa! So I finally touch down at what should be correctly named as “Jomo Kenyatta Colossally ******* Claustrophobic International Airport”!!!!!!! I mean I was actually gasping for breath and fresh air! I mean it is humid, extremely humid but the humidity is not because of the outside weather but the caged people inside! Eeeeeeek! Guess who I learnt this “Eeeeeeek” line from! I was so desperate and was on a call to my best friend (quite simply the best
there is) vividly telling her about the hell I am being subjected to and an idea popped to my head!
I decided the best way to avoid all the nausea is to smoke! Yes I smoke! So now I walk up to a counter and ask the lady to direct me to the smoking lounge politely and surprise, surprise! She has another Kenyan bomb ready to drop! “Sir, this airport does not have a smoking lounge! I mean you can’t smoke anywhere in this airport! If you do want to smoke that badly then you will have to actually get yourself a transit visa and get out into Kenya and then you can smoke”! No seriously! So I suggest the idea of me jumping off a window or something to my bff and she as usual gets excited with it! So I finally decide to go for the cigarette and it has by far been the most expensive cigarette of my life! One cigarette costs me US$ 40! That’s like 200,000 in Zambian Kwacha! Or some Zillion Kajillion Zimbabwe Dollars! The inference is absolutely simple! I need to quit smoking! I know I can be an idiot and hence I should avoid being one!
Then I walk back into to departure terminal and realize I still have 6 whole hours before my next flight! This is usually the tipping point where I go on a rampage! A crazy one! But somehow I convince myself to do something positive in turn! I walk in to the check in counters and decide to give it my best shot! I walk to the counter where there is an opposite sex person (female you half-wit!) and exuberate my sweetness and smoothness! And my oh my! She gives me a free upgrade to business class all the way home! And suddenly everything seems alright! And then I just wave my boarding pass around and get into the first class lounge and there it is – unlimited alcohol (always the best bit), unlimited food, internet, air conditioning (still a big thing in Africa), luxurious couches and recliners! Man I am home! I should do this every time until the day when I am officially banned from flying! No but this is luxury! And this is where I am writing this blog from! I request all those who read in the first 2-3 days of publishing to let me know of all the spelling errors and syntax errors! And my bff will be the first to respond on this I am sure! Iwe, stop correcting me all the time! You don’t know what nice and unlimited whiskey can do to somebody! So let me rest a bit, hopefully get on the right flight, get some sleep and continue writing when I actually get to Dubai and am done with the treasure hunt! On that bombshell for now, goodnight!
And we begin where we left off yesterday! The only difference is that I am in a totally different continent already! And in a better one! I am in Asia! And I love the Dubai Airport! I have already finished whatever I needed to shop and am now going to rest. Though I was looking forward to my journey here, as it goes there were more surprises in store! This is my other usual scrap with the flights – the bloody idiots who sit next to you! Honestly if I am not smiling or having unnecessary conversations with you then chances are that I don’t want to! Do not show your relentless resilience to a stranger! There was this Indian girl – I usually like the breed but my god! She would simply not shut up! Absolutely going on and on like a gramophone with its pin jammed! The flight being at night is when usually people sleep! And every time I doze off she would wake me up telling me she wants to use the loo! Next time get your ******* seat in there! And then there are always kids on flights who want a piece of your food though what they have on their seat is exactly the same! It is not far off before I get jailed for lamping one of such child! I swear I will do it! I am actually that frustrated!
I think I did drink a bit too much at Nairobi and then on the flight! I don’t feel good! So the solution is quite simple! Drink even more! It is 6:30 AM and I am sitting here with a glass of Johnie Walker! The day is not far off that I keep walking and I end up being crippled! But I am not reporting to work and am on holiday so why not? And it happens to be Christmas! This brings me to the main intention of my writing anything at all on the blog! Sorry I got derailed a bit!
So my dear friends and families and acquaintances and people I don’t know and the others, I wish you all a very merry Christmas and an even merrier new year, 2012. May you all find and achieve more than you desire. Good or bad I don’t care, it’s what you want, so go for it! I am as usual making no resolutions, just living life a day at a time. I hope I rejuvenate and replenish completely on this vacation of mine and bring my sexy back! I am getting confused now with this ‘sexy’ thing as I am not sure whether I am referring to someone else or myself! The hunt is on! Open Season!
Somebody special whispered something in my ear, quite recently and almost had my heart stop! Honestly! So, I am now officially a member of “Near Death Experience Club”! She almost killed me with the line!
Phew! Oh for crying out loud! Phew!
Saturday, 24 December 2011
Sunday, 4 December 2011
The Adventures of Mr. Jayaprakash
Firstly thanks to my friend “Kasha” for the heading of this blog. My unbelievable levels of non-commitment to my blog have left me ‘sensaaaaationally’ (a word I am in absolute love with) dazed even to find a bloody heading! But this is not even a heading! This is just a line on which I will have to build my blog from scratch now! It continues like this then it’s not long before I actually give up on this entire blog. I mean I am disappointed myself that I am not serious about it. All thanks to ADHD which I believe I used to suffer from in my younger years. The only cure to that they say is not to have had it in the first place!
Now the pressing issue in my life is to be thankful. I am very proud and satisfied today that I have good friends I mean great friends round the globe. There are so many of you in so many countries who are there for me and I only can hope I can be half as much. But there are some who have simply raised the bar of friendship so high that it is like gazing at the moon on a clear night and wondering if I would ever reach there, I would never be able to say ‘thanks’ enough. I am content in life with friends like you, I thank you.
Now let’s get back to my usual nonsense. This is an extremely public blog of mine (of course I do control the comments and many never become public) but what I write is for anyone to read. I was recently in Robert’s Land (Zimbabwe for those who don’t watch the news!) and I can only say this – I was thoroughly amazed! Not positively but negatively! Now this was a country which used to be called the ‘bread basket’ but today imports more than it produces. There are a few tall buildings (I won’t use the word ‘skyscrapers’ as all my friends in Americas, Middle East, etc. will be like – WTF! LOL!), but today they are just like ancient Rome. They are there today, they might even fall down one day, could even be tomorrow! Harare is such an ironic city that you just can’t help wonder what it is and what it actually could have been! I was lucky though to meet some amazing people who did show me a very good time around the charming city. Then I ended up in the gun ranges on the weekend. Now this is such an obsession off late that every part of me wants to keep pulling triggers! I will not disclose what weapons I fired here as there could be serious implications. Freedom of speech varies from nation to nation and I definitely don’t want to get behind bars! Well Zimbabwe is where I will be spending quite a bit of time from now, so as long as there are enough bullets!
One of the other topics which are common on my blog is my sheer misfortune whenever I get to an airport! If it is not a direct flight then there is always bad luck looming over me like ‘Enola Gay’ and then just drops the ‘little boy’ on me! Surprisingly I have even begun to have issues with even direct flights! I mean c’mon! I was at Harare international airport waiting to board my flight to Zambia. This is just a 40 min flight and that’s less time than what I usually need to get home from work! I am always in a car pool and one of my workmates, she literally lives in the jungle! So it is almost every day that I have to keep my eyes open for a herd of elephants or other animals that can very easily put an end to me and not even be prosecuted for it! Now coming back to my misery, I was there sitting in the smoking lounge (of course smoking!) awaiting announcement of boarding, as I did not trust the screens because it still had 22nd October 2007 on them! Yes that’s right this is Africa and things do sometimes freeze here despite the heat! Then I decided it was alarmingly close to the flight time and hence made my way to an airport official (nothing official about him!) and asked him of the status. He just tells me to get back in the smoking lounge and enjoy another ‘stick of death’ as he had no clue of what was the status of the flight! I did not enjoy my next cigarette much and then I tried to give it another shot and approached a different official this time. He did have a reason for the delay! Finally! Somebody! I have heard and tried to digest many reasons in my life for flight delays but this simply topped every one of them! It was the first time that I did not want to lynch at the person but was on the floor in sheer pain caused due to uncontrollable laughter! He said this “Sir, I apologize for the delay in flight to Zambia, this is due to the pilot of your Air Zimbabwe flight accidentally taking the flight to the domestic terminal instead of international, be rest assured we are ‘trying’ to figure out how to sort the mess!”. Yes that’s right! I was really looking forward to boarding this maniacal piloted flight now! I wasn’t even sure he knew where Zambia was, I don’t mind a wrong destination as long as it is Madagascar!
Then finally they sorted it out, the flight was in the air and the air hostess came with her usual trolley. I have seen a variety of drinks served on flights but for god sakes ‘Mazoe’! Now for all the many of you who will read this who are not in Southern Africa let me help you, ‘Mazoe’ is equivalent of ‘Robinsons’ in Europe, ‘Rasna’ in Asia, ‘I don’t know’ in Americas and ‘I don’t care’ in Australia. Honestly, who serves post mix juice on a flight?! But luckily the flight was so short that it landed well before my amusement did!
Now back in Zambia, I have been on a roller coaster for the last few months. Most of the things in my life have been dilly-dallying, my work being the first. I might have to move base to my Zimbabwe soon. I might have to do so many things soon, which directly contradict my slavery to monotony! I have been in thoughts and have finally decided to just go with the stride. I will be 27 years OLD soon and have simply decided one thing – ‘I am bringing sexy back, yet again’. I will be at a good friend’s birthday bash soon and the highlight of the event is belly dancers! I am not going to try and swim against the tide, the worst that could happen is me ending up in a coffin, but that’s not possible. I say this as there are no ‘coffin makers’ (hope that’s what they are called) in this world who do make wooden boxes big and strong enough to fit me in! So I am sure I have a good amount of time on my hand to make the best of what I have got.
I am simply one beer short of a six pack!
Oh for crying out loud!
Now the pressing issue in my life is to be thankful. I am very proud and satisfied today that I have good friends I mean great friends round the globe. There are so many of you in so many countries who are there for me and I only can hope I can be half as much. But there are some who have simply raised the bar of friendship so high that it is like gazing at the moon on a clear night and wondering if I would ever reach there, I would never be able to say ‘thanks’ enough. I am content in life with friends like you, I thank you.
Now let’s get back to my usual nonsense. This is an extremely public blog of mine (of course I do control the comments and many never become public) but what I write is for anyone to read. I was recently in Robert’s Land (Zimbabwe for those who don’t watch the news!) and I can only say this – I was thoroughly amazed! Not positively but negatively! Now this was a country which used to be called the ‘bread basket’ but today imports more than it produces. There are a few tall buildings (I won’t use the word ‘skyscrapers’ as all my friends in Americas, Middle East, etc. will be like – WTF! LOL!), but today they are just like ancient Rome. They are there today, they might even fall down one day, could even be tomorrow! Harare is such an ironic city that you just can’t help wonder what it is and what it actually could have been! I was lucky though to meet some amazing people who did show me a very good time around the charming city. Then I ended up in the gun ranges on the weekend. Now this is such an obsession off late that every part of me wants to keep pulling triggers! I will not disclose what weapons I fired here as there could be serious implications. Freedom of speech varies from nation to nation and I definitely don’t want to get behind bars! Well Zimbabwe is where I will be spending quite a bit of time from now, so as long as there are enough bullets!
One of the other topics which are common on my blog is my sheer misfortune whenever I get to an airport! If it is not a direct flight then there is always bad luck looming over me like ‘Enola Gay’ and then just drops the ‘little boy’ on me! Surprisingly I have even begun to have issues with even direct flights! I mean c’mon! I was at Harare international airport waiting to board my flight to Zambia. This is just a 40 min flight and that’s less time than what I usually need to get home from work! I am always in a car pool and one of my workmates, she literally lives in the jungle! So it is almost every day that I have to keep my eyes open for a herd of elephants or other animals that can very easily put an end to me and not even be prosecuted for it! Now coming back to my misery, I was there sitting in the smoking lounge (of course smoking!) awaiting announcement of boarding, as I did not trust the screens because it still had 22nd October 2007 on them! Yes that’s right this is Africa and things do sometimes freeze here despite the heat! Then I decided it was alarmingly close to the flight time and hence made my way to an airport official (nothing official about him!) and asked him of the status. He just tells me to get back in the smoking lounge and enjoy another ‘stick of death’ as he had no clue of what was the status of the flight! I did not enjoy my next cigarette much and then I tried to give it another shot and approached a different official this time. He did have a reason for the delay! Finally! Somebody! I have heard and tried to digest many reasons in my life for flight delays but this simply topped every one of them! It was the first time that I did not want to lynch at the person but was on the floor in sheer pain caused due to uncontrollable laughter! He said this “Sir, I apologize for the delay in flight to Zambia, this is due to the pilot of your Air Zimbabwe flight accidentally taking the flight to the domestic terminal instead of international, be rest assured we are ‘trying’ to figure out how to sort the mess!”. Yes that’s right! I was really looking forward to boarding this maniacal piloted flight now! I wasn’t even sure he knew where Zambia was, I don’t mind a wrong destination as long as it is Madagascar!
Then finally they sorted it out, the flight was in the air and the air hostess came with her usual trolley. I have seen a variety of drinks served on flights but for god sakes ‘Mazoe’! Now for all the many of you who will read this who are not in Southern Africa let me help you, ‘Mazoe’ is equivalent of ‘Robinsons’ in Europe, ‘Rasna’ in Asia, ‘I don’t know’ in Americas and ‘I don’t care’ in Australia. Honestly, who serves post mix juice on a flight?! But luckily the flight was so short that it landed well before my amusement did!
Now back in Zambia, I have been on a roller coaster for the last few months. Most of the things in my life have been dilly-dallying, my work being the first. I might have to move base to my Zimbabwe soon. I might have to do so many things soon, which directly contradict my slavery to monotony! I have been in thoughts and have finally decided to just go with the stride. I will be 27 years OLD soon and have simply decided one thing – ‘I am bringing sexy back, yet again’. I will be at a good friend’s birthday bash soon and the highlight of the event is belly dancers! I am not going to try and swim against the tide, the worst that could happen is me ending up in a coffin, but that’s not possible. I say this as there are no ‘coffin makers’ (hope that’s what they are called) in this world who do make wooden boxes big and strong enough to fit me in! So I am sure I have a good amount of time on my hand to make the best of what I have got.
I am simply one beer short of a six pack!
Oh for crying out loud!
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