The Confused Diaries - Part 2

It was a day when I was so frustrated with everything that was going on in my life that I just decided to throw in the towel. Now my throwing in the towel is not the act of quitting but I actually hurled a towel in anger! What I decided was that I need a break! I have had enough! Life is nice when it’s a roller coaster! But you need to know when is the goddam ride is ending. Otherwise it will suck you clean of every single juice which you need! This is exactly what happened. So I decided that before I actually have a burnout I need to get a break. Let’s leave the burnouts to cars shall we? So it meant only one thing, going to India. Bangalore to be precise as I don’t even know what constitutes the rest of India clearly. Never needed to know. My bang, bang, Bangalore is so amazing that everything else just looks like a waste of space excepting Goa. Of course Goa! So I slowly slid in the request to my CEO if I could and surprisingly enough he just said “why not?”, still haven’t gotten over that! I was actually imagining flares and crackers and blasts and smoke! Well that’s why they say you win some you lose some. Still don’t know who ‘They’ are! If anybody can help me here, then the help will surely go unappreciated! Go do better things you fool!

So here I am getting permission to go to India finally, the first Christmas and New Year in homeland aka kamasutra land aka ganja land! This is a rare occurrence as the last time was if I can try and remember, 6 years ago! So I am all excited and merry to be doing this and then embark on what is arguably the most difficult thing to do in December, booking bloody tickets! Why can’t the airlines just gear up? Why do they always have no seats? So here I am with food on the plate which I can’t eat! There is a cheque drawn but no money in the account! This similar feeling does occur every now and then in my life – I have a cigarette but no lighter! I literally go insane! A few nonsmokers around me carry contingency lighting equipment just to avoid my outburst! Lol! So here I am trying every single permutation and combination, I was even ready to transit via Afghanistan! I could not get one ticket confirmed! There was a leg in every journey that wouldn’t give me a leg up!

Then I almost confirmed that I would be flying Ethiopian! Now that’s not a great option but are lavish with their baggage allowance which I love milking it down to the very last drop! I don’t know why but my friends in Africa are all always very excited of me going to India and hence the luggage allowance helps! Quite a lot! But my ever preferred option is Emirates, shop like mad, fulfill peoples lists, and then you are home in 3 hours! That’s amazing! And I always feel fulfilling any list of shopping in Dubai is like playing a shorter transit version of “Treasure Hunt”. It is so ridiculously big, the choices are so numerous and the distance to walk is so humongous that I always declare disability and get ferried around! And that was a joke, I am no jerk! I actually work out only when in transit at airports! So finally the route I do manage to confirm my booking on is not very nice but I can say again, you win some and you lose some.

It was Lusaka – Kenya – Dubai – Bangalore! Now the first leg is Kenyan Airways! Trust me on this, they are more unpredictable than what Hitler would have been! They are so lazy that I would actually like to work for them! It would mean at the most 50 days work in a year! Cause they bloody don’t fly! This makes no business sense whatsoever! I mean for an airline to make money its fleet should be up in the air! But here is an airline which is somehow still viable and running though most of the planes are always grounded! The best reason for it to be grounded – “We simply couldn’t be bothered”! Looking at the departure and arrival screen is like looking at an F1 screen when things went wrong at Imola! We all know which incident I am referring to. This is the problem. The cancellations and delays are ridiculous! It’s the nerve of the airline that is the most amazing bit! You pay but they somehow think that you haven’t paid for the bit where they are meant to keep you informed and give you actual reasons! They just don’t think so!

So I wasn’t even looking forward to this journey as I knew things would go ‘tits up’ at the very beginning! Yup! A bit of dirty on my blog! For **** sakes! This is my blog! Let’s not forget that! So I get to the airport in Lusaka early, as usual, finish all my check in and other things and still yet again there is a delay! There is an indefinite delay! Kenyan ******* Airlines! You got to be kidding me! But I did not sweat much this time as the gap between this one and my next flight on Emirates to Dubai was quite large. And then eventually the flight does decide to leave and here I am on my way to Kenya! If you remember some previous post of mine, it was Kenya where I was stranded the first time I was in Africa! So I finally touch down at what should be correctly named as “Jomo Kenyatta Colossally ******* Claustrophobic International Airport”!!!!!!! I mean I was actually gasping for breath and fresh air! I mean it is humid, extremely humid but the humidity is not because of the outside weather but the caged people inside! Eeeeeeek! Guess who I learnt this “Eeeeeeek” line from! I was so desperate and was on a call to my best friend (quite simply the best there is) vividly telling her about the hell I am being subjected to and an idea popped to my head!

I decided the best way to avoid all the nausea is to smoke! Yes I smoke! So now I walk up to a counter and ask the lady to direct me to the smoking lounge politely and surprise, surprise! She has another Kenyan bomb ready to drop! “Sir, this airport does not have a smoking lounge! I mean you can’t smoke anywhere in this airport! If you do want to smoke that badly then you will have to actually get yourself a transit visa and get out into Kenya and then you can smoke”! No seriously! So I suggest the idea of me jumping off a window or something to my bff and she as usual gets excited with it! So I finally decide to go for the cigarette and it has by far been the most expensive cigarette of my life! One cigarette costs me US$ 40! That’s like 200,000 in Zambian Kwacha! Or some Zillion Kajillion Zimbabwe Dollars! The inference is absolutely simple! I need to quit smoking! I know I can be an idiot and hence I should avoid being one!

Then I walk back into to departure terminal and realize I still have 6 whole hours before my next flight! This is usually the tipping point where I go on a rampage! A crazy one! But somehow I convince myself to do something positive in turn! I walk in to the check in counters and decide to give it my best shot! I walk to the counter where there is an opposite sex person (female you half-wit!) and exuberate my sweetness and smoothness! And my oh my! She gives me a free upgrade to business class all the way home! And suddenly everything seems alright! And then I just wave my boarding pass around and get into the first class lounge and there it is – unlimited alcohol (always the best bit), unlimited food, internet, air conditioning (still a big thing in Africa), luxurious couches and recliners! Man I am home! I should do this every time until the day when I am officially banned from flying! No but this is luxury! And this is where I am writing this blog from! I request all those who read in the first 2-3 days of publishing to let me know of all the spelling errors and syntax errors! And my bff will be the first to respond on this I am sure! Iwe, stop correcting me all the time! You don’t know what nice and unlimited whiskey can do to somebody! So let me rest a bit, hopefully get on the right flight, get some sleep and continue writing when I actually get to Dubai and am done with the treasure hunt! On that bombshell for now, goodnight!

And we begin where we left off yesterday! The only difference is that I am in a totally different continent already! And in a better one! I am in Asia! And I love the Dubai Airport! I have already finished whatever I needed to shop and am now going to rest. Though I was looking forward to my journey here, as it goes there were more surprises in store! This is my other usual scrap with the flights – the bloody idiots who sit next to you! Honestly if I am not smiling or having unnecessary conversations with you then chances are that I don’t want to! Do not show your relentless resilience to a stranger! There was this Indian girl – I usually like the breed but my god! She would simply not shut up! Absolutely going on and on like a gramophone with its pin jammed! The flight being at night is when usually people sleep! And every time I doze off she would wake me up telling me she wants to use the loo! Next time get your ******* seat in there! And then there are always kids on flights who want a piece of your food though what they have on their seat is exactly the same! It is not far off before I get jailed for lamping one of such child! I swear I will do it! I am actually that frustrated!

I think I did drink a bit too much at Nairobi and then on the flight! I don’t feel good! So the solution is quite simple! Drink even more! It is 6:30 AM and I am sitting here with a glass of Johnie Walker! The day is not far off that I keep walking and I end up being crippled! But I am not reporting to work and am on holiday so why not? And it happens to be Christmas! This brings me to the main intention of my writing anything at all on the blog! Sorry I got derailed a bit!

So my dear friends and families and acquaintances and people I don’t know and the others, I wish you all a very merry Christmas and an even merrier new year, 2012. May you all find and achieve more than you desire. Good or bad I don’t care, it’s what you want, so go for it! I am as usual making no resolutions, just living life a day at a time. I hope I rejuvenate and replenish completely on this vacation of mine and bring my sexy back! I am getting confused now with this ‘sexy’ thing as I am not sure whether I am referring to someone else or myself! The hunt is on! Open Season!

Somebody special whispered something in my ear, quite recently and almost had my heart stop! Honestly! So, I am now officially a member of “Near Death Experience Club”! She almost killed me with the line!

Phew! Oh for crying out loud! Phew!

The Adventures of Mr. Jayaprakash

Firstly thanks to my friend “Kasha” for the heading of this blog. My unbelievable levels of non-commitment to my blog have left me ‘sensaaaaationally’ (a word I am in absolute love with) dazed even to find a bloody heading! But this is not even a heading! This is just a line on which I will have to build my blog from scratch now! It continues like this then it’s not long before I actually give up on this entire blog. I mean I am disappointed myself that I am not serious about it. All thanks to ADHD which I believe I used to suffer from in my younger years. The only cure to that they say is not to have had it in the first place!

Now the pressing issue in my life is to be thankful. I am very proud and satisfied today that I have good friends I mean great friends round the globe. There are so many of you in so many countries who are there for me and I only can hope I can be half as much. But there are some who have simply raised the bar of friendship so high that it is like gazing at the moon on a clear night and wondering if I would ever reach there, I would never be able to say ‘thanks’ enough. I am content in life with friends like you, I thank you.

Now let’s get back to my usual nonsense. This is an extremely public blog of mine (of course I do control the comments and many never become public) but what I write is for anyone to read. I was recently in Robert’s Land (Zimbabwe for those who don’t watch the news!) and I can only say this – I was thoroughly amazed! Not positively but negatively! Now this was a country which used to be called the ‘bread basket’ but today imports more than it produces. There are a few tall buildings (I won’t use the word ‘skyscrapers’ as all my friends in Americas, Middle East, etc. will be like – WTF! LOL!), but today they are just like ancient Rome. They are there today, they might even fall down one day, could even be tomorrow! Harare is such an ironic city that you just can’t help wonder what it is and what it actually could have been! I was lucky though to meet some amazing people who did show me a very good time around the charming city. Then I ended up in the gun ranges on the weekend. Now this is such an obsession off late that every part of me wants to keep pulling triggers! I will not disclose what weapons I fired here as there could be serious implications. Freedom of speech varies from nation to nation and I definitely don’t want to get behind bars! Well Zimbabwe is where I will be spending quite a bit of time from now, so as long as there are enough bullets!

One of the other topics which are common on my blog is my sheer misfortune whenever I get to an airport! If it is not a direct flight then there is always bad luck looming over me like ‘Enola Gay’ and then just drops the ‘little boy’ on me! Surprisingly I have even begun to have issues with even direct flights! I mean c’mon! I was at Harare international airport waiting to board my flight to Zambia. This is just a 40 min flight and that’s less time than what I usually need to get home from work! I am always in a car pool and one of my workmates, she literally lives in the jungle! So it is almost every day that I have to keep my eyes open for a herd of elephants or other animals that can very easily put an end to me and not even be prosecuted for it! Now coming back to my misery, I was there sitting in the smoking lounge (of course smoking!) awaiting announcement of boarding, as I did not trust the screens because it still had 22nd October 2007 on them! Yes that’s right this is Africa and things do sometimes freeze here despite the heat! Then I decided it was alarmingly close to the flight time and hence made my way to an airport official (nothing official about him!) and asked him of the status. He just tells me to get back in the smoking lounge and enjoy another ‘stick of death’ as he had no clue of what was the status of the flight! I did not enjoy my next cigarette much and then I tried to give it another shot and approached a different official this time. He did have a reason for the delay! Finally! Somebody! I have heard and tried to digest many reasons in my life for flight delays but this simply topped every one of them! It was the first time that I did not want to lynch at the person but was on the floor in sheer pain caused due to uncontrollable laughter! He said this “Sir, I apologize for the delay in flight to Zambia, this is due to the pilot of your Air Zimbabwe flight accidentally taking the flight to the domestic terminal instead of international, be rest assured we are ‘trying’ to figure out how to sort the mess!”. Yes that’s right! I was really looking forward to boarding this maniacal piloted flight now! I wasn’t even sure he knew where Zambia was, I don’t mind a wrong destination as long as it is Madagascar!

Then finally they sorted it out, the flight was in the air and the air hostess came with her usual trolley. I have seen a variety of drinks served on flights but for god sakes ‘Mazoe’! Now for all the many of you who will read this who are not in Southern Africa let me help you, ‘Mazoe’ is equivalent of ‘Robinsons’ in Europe, ‘Rasna’ in Asia, ‘I don’t know’ in Americas and ‘I don’t care’ in Australia. Honestly, who serves post mix juice on a flight?! But luckily the flight was so short that it landed well before my amusement did!

Now back in Zambia, I have been on a roller coaster for the last few months. Most of the things in my life have been dilly-dallying, my work being the first. I might have to move base to my Zimbabwe soon. I might have to do so many things soon, which directly contradict my slavery to monotony! I have been in thoughts and have finally decided to just go with the stride. I will be 27 years OLD soon and have simply decided one thing – ‘I am bringing sexy back, yet again’. I will be at a good friend’s birthday bash soon and the highlight of the event is belly dancers! I am not going to try and swim against the tide, the worst that could happen is me ending up in a coffin, but that’s not possible. I say this as there are no ‘coffin makers’ (hope that’s what they are called) in this world who do make wooden boxes big and strong enough to fit me in! So I am sure I have a good amount of time on my hand to make the best of what I have got.

I am simply one beer short of a six pack!

Oh for crying out loud!

The Rapper Diaries - Part 1

Why I do what I do
Then you do it do it too
Life crazier at its tip
Wish I could shut her lip
Mind is street brawlin
Heart is creep crawlin
Just to crave for much booze
Spike it you, I loose
See her face if I do
Leave a shade draw it too
I am just merry trippin
Dunkin it scottie pippen
Running slow in the chase
Vision blindin in the haze
Off the limit goes the meter
Pearly gates, saint peter
In the blood such a rush
Win the game royal flush
They say I am 2 and 6
Chilling it is river styx
Within me am I lost
Scandal 77 nixon frost
In the search yes I am
Should I would I if I can
If the faith and the trust
In the lust or angel dust
See myself in the maze
Turn it up double bass
Take some shots empty zine
Life an end to the mean
If it croaks kill I am
Got a feelin will I am
In the middle an angel drops
Wild weed one that pops
Way she moves to the sound
Cuff me drag me impound
Take me home show me now
Make it rough boom boom pow
Then and when it’s done
I know not now which one
I just leave it make a choice
Make it break it just no noise
Pop it bleed it capo style
Keep walking half a mile
Thought is yours to make
I don’t lose I won’t break
If you want it show me why
There is here no battle cry
If it does should you try
If it does should you lie
Call the goons put a hit
Do what you feel is fit
I will win, inside job
Wish I had a volume knob
In this so was too much
In the end lost the touch
Dodged I think a sweet bullet
Life’s new board says To-Let
To the distance here I go
Life is too short to lay low
Miss think dream her yes I still
Reminisce her yes I will
Have no thoughts I can’t stop
Life’s a ladder to the top
Buckle up tight another race
Life’s a rally in your face
Let me tell you when I can
Give or take it, am a made man

Dammm .......

Oh for crying out loud!

The Confused Diaries - Part 1

Even before I begin I want to make one thing clear, I am only writing this because suddenly out of the blue I have found free time! I am amazed myself, this is a rare occurrence! My work is so tedious and hectic that sometimes when I do not have anything to do I draw blanks! So this blog is all about ‘improv’ (adapted from my idol Quagmire of Family Guy) as I have no idea what I am going to write after this line. So here we go, I think.

My new goal in life (it changes every second day) is to fire an AK-47! Now I am sure there are many of you, who at this instance are going to decide that I am in some way Gadhafi’s reincarnation! No! I am not talking about genocide here or of crimes against humanity! Now let us leave that to the Hitler’s of this world. I do not even have anything against Jews. I do not have anything against anybody. So back to AK-47! Now this is a gun which spawned after World War 2 but yet has managed to kill more people than malaria! Now that’s one unbelievable invention. Man vs. God! And man wins! Being a very typical male I have laid my hands and fired a few weapons. But this is Genesis. The number of AK-47’s in Zambia is unbelievable. Ever so often you find somebody just walking along the road with this creation hanging on their shoulder. There are women brandishing it at almost every ATM machine! Now do not for one second think of something out of the Royal Army Arsenal. This is Africa and the guns here are all used versions of many wars which thanks to many countries today that it is a common thing. They are old and rusty. But that’s the whole point of an AK! It works! And then again! And continues to do so! They say you are not a ‘petrol head’ until you have driven an Alfa Romeo. They say you are not a ‘bush head’ until you have owned a Victorinox. They say you are not a ‘smoke head’ until you own a classic zippo. They say you are not a ‘dope head’ until you roll it with rizla. Don’t ask me who ‘they’ are, I haven’t a clue myself. But am sure they say you are not a ‘d***head’ until you want to fire an AK! It does not matter to me what you say, I am going to try very hard to see if I can actually lay my hands on one and splatter a couple of rounds on a lake or a river. No do not call the eco-metals! I will make sure that I won’t kill any fish which somehow is ok if you bait it, hook it, suffer it, kill it, chop it, grill it and enjoy it! And do not call the cops this goal of mine might change come Tuesday!

Now the other pressing issue I need to speak about is the bloody heat here in Zambia! OMG (I do use savvy but hateful SMS language once in a while, they say it is cool, still don’t know who ‘they’ are!)! This is unbelievable. It is so hot that I sweat a lot! And then I go swimming frequently to cool off! And the worst part of all this is that if it continues I might become a bit fitter and a bit leaner! And this spoils the whole purpose as I have put in 25 years to see that I remain a bit rounder! And please now don’t tell me it is better if I lose a couple of inches, you either love me the way I am or you don’t! Simple as!

Today happens to be Zambian Independence Day. I tried my luck and sent a text message to a lot of Zambians in the sales team, many suppliers, many trade distributors and many customers. The message read “Happy Independence Day, My Fellow Zambian”. I knew I was trying my luck here but I was delighted to see the most warm and innovative replies ever. Just like India and UK, Zambia is now home as well.

This finally brings me to the point of my future. I have been seriously working to move to Zimbabwe. The move might happen in January. The company has also agreed in principle for the same. I now have been working on the same project and doing my personal PR for the last couple of months. My chief returned back to Zambia today. Now again don’t think about some tribal chief wearing feathers and preaching ‘oolalala’ dance. When I say chief I mean my CEO. I was discussing with him about the same developments and out of the blue he tells me to learn ‘French’. I was a bit perplexed but then he tells me he would want me to move to Morocco! Now if I know something about Morocco then that is white sandy beaches, sunshine, unbelievable women and European culture. Now there is nothing wrong with that! So maybe in a few months I will be living life in other ways it is meant to be lived! Honestly, I am again like a ‘boy in a bike store’ (Nicci always tells me this). And this happens to me a lot. Don’t laugh at me I am at least a kid and most of you have lost what’s arguably the best days of your life! So to French, so to Sahara, so to Morocco, so to all the other things I would not want to name, here I come, mostly, maybe!

And now I look back I had at least 5 good chances to learn French! I always thought who would ever need it?!

Oh for crying out loud!

The Wildness

Well first of all I would like to apologize to such few people who actually take time to read my blog for not writing for long. It’s just that I live in a country where the fauna is so amazing and plentiful that someone like me is always on distraction mode! And by the time I even find internet when I am back in the materialistic world I just have so many emails to respond to from people who have no reason to be doing so in the first place.

I am actually glad to be taking this time to write as I personally have decided that anybody’s life would be incomplete without visiting Zambia. It’s just a thought so don’t comment on it saying “no it is not Zambia but it is Gibraltar or some crazily suicidal Arab country”!

The thing I love about Zambia is that despite being landlocked with 8 countries (yes 8 freaking countries) and also very hot and also very vast and also very few people and also very steep it still manages to be something that soothes my brow. It just has that touch to it. There are ridiculous quantities and qualities of alcohol but yet nobody has ever smashed a pint on my bald maintained head! There ratio of men to women is so imbalanced that you always find women sharing one man! Now that’s my kind of place!

It is however when you take some time off and let your hair down (which I usually don’t have here in Zambia) is when you discover that every hour that passes by is almost the same as to what I have been fascinated and watching all my life on National Geographic!

Now the thing is the last 6 months or so I have travelled a lot. I had been to Johannesburg in SA. Take my word you simply do not want to go there! It’s so ridden with crime that it is easier to get a bullet than a cigarette. They say that Jo’burg is the only place in the world where carjackers are actually afraid of you as they are not sure what size is your gun! Then there is this insane Afrikaans language which is quite literally unfathomable and all that you can make out of it is words like ‘clip’, ‘shoot’, ‘die’ and ‘bitch’! I have a lot of friends I have made through work there but I have made it clear that they will be visiting me here in Zambia but not the other way round. But Jo’burg is not all bad. I did try a restaurant called ‘Carnivore’ (the name suggests everything) which if you are adventurous with food should visit once in your life. I will not say what all I tasted here in my public blog as I am sure WWF (not wrestling but the wildlife) guys will shove a double barrel up my back end.

Then I went home. India. Bangalore. Trust me no matter how annoying the traffic is, how crazy the women are, how ridiculous the pricing has become, how populated the city is, how polluted the city is, it is home and more to me. I had the best possible holiday after a long time. A bit spiritual, a bit sensual and a bit sexual! Aha! Keep guessing! Now the thing is when you spend almost a couple of days travelling to get there you really want your holidays to progress in slow motion mode. This did not happen! It felt like I was just there for a couple of hours. But I surely did have the time of my life! I caught up with all the people that matter. Now there is a problem here, almost everyone is married and most of them have children now. I am still behaving like a tribal in my life in the African wilderness. The thought of settling down is scary but is surely coming. It’s quite difficult to find an Indian girl who would love to leave the comfort of home and embark on something so wild. But I am sure there are enough wild women where I come from! So soon, pretty soon.

I had to further shorten my trip because there were some issues with Visa to the next place I was heading to. It did hurt me as losing 5 days to stay at home is super painful. But the place in question was Cape Town! The southern tip of amazing Africa! I have been to quite a few places in my life but my god Cape Town is simply breathtakingly mind-bogglingly amazing! The drive from the airport to the hotel is what in Hindi (Indian language) you call ‘Jannat’! Even before the plane lands you can see what the fuss is all about! The Table Mountains, the Atlantic Ocean, the Indian Ocean, the Cape Flats! Then the pilot announced something which I have wanted to see all my life. On to the right of the flight was a small island a couple of kilometers away from the shore. Robben Island! Nelson Mandela’s home for 27 years! He served 27 years in a small cell and then came out to become the President of SA! Now that’s a man!

Now on the way to the very expensive but luckily company paid for hotel the driver was very nice to show me all the important locations and explain in detail. But I hardly heard him as I was simply awestruck! There is beautiful and then there is Cape Town. It is simply mesmerizing! I would say that the angels have smiled on me from heaven if I ever get an opportunity to settle there! My good friend Nicci (A South African) had warned me that Cape Town is so contagious that it will never let go of me if I ever laid my eyes on it! Nix, you are simply 100% right!

I flew Zambezi Airlines on my way back from Cape Town. This airline is not the like Emirates or BA that has very strong financial backing. So inevitably it makes a stop somewhere on the way to try and lure a bit more passengers so that it can break even. Now the stop between Cape Town and Lusaka was the almighty Livingstone. We had requested the pilot and he kindly obliged and took us a bit closer to Victoria Falls than he usually would have. Now for those who haven’t heard of it this is without any argument the biggest waterfall in the world. Now I will not take any arguments from anyone who has been Niagara Falls! Get your facts right you half-wits! This falls is so huge that it starts in Zambia and ends in Zimbabwe. Now being in Zambia I have had the privilege of visiting ‘The Falls’ (that’s what it is called) many times. But watching the earth cave in and water on an unimaginable scale pouring into it from the air was just a perfect ending to the perfect trip. And this brings me back to my home for now Zambia.

I have held the tail of a lioness, patted a lion, fed 2 white cubs, wrapped a python round me, held a crocodile in my hand, played around with tortoises, slithered around with snakes, got licked on the head with a cheetah, encountered a baboon, tusked an African elephant, almost rode an ostrich, driven an absolute rally stage in a 4WD, sat at the mouth of ‘The Falls’, done more than 15,000 miles in the wilderness, eaten the most exotic menu, fished a lot of weed, swung a couple on a course, lived life the way it is meant to be. I no longer yearn for a Friday drink or a Saturday disco. I no longer crave for an overpriced coffee or doing so called ‘hot and happening’ things. My life is absolutely one with nature. The nature, the wildness, the magic, the fear and the satisfaction.

My next aim is to invest quite a lot of money on photography. I was with someone who knows a lot about it in Bangalore and that’s why I call it investment. It will cost me an arm and a leg but will be worth it as I am in the right place. For me to get to somewhere where most people dream of just needs my keys, some diesel and my own Arse! I used to wonder if it was a right decision to leave English Land for Africa and I have never been more right in my life! My next assignment might be in Morocco or Zimbabwe in a few months. I don’t care as long as it is in Africa!

Writing this wants me to get into the wilderness right now and this being a Sunday has no implications. But I just blew the turbo on my car yesterday and will only be getting it back after a couple of days. So there is diesel and my arse but sadly no keys!

Oh for crying out loud!

New Year Gift from an Old Friend

This is what Andy the author of the other blog I run and my good old friend wrote:

So I spoke to my friend Karthik busy heading up Pepsi Cola in deepest Africa

Me: Karthik! How’s it going man?

Karthik: Great great Andy, very good indeed, I am perfectly acclimatized to Zambian life.

Me: That’s’ excellent and so quick?

Karthik: Yes yes, so much so in fact that the locals call me ‘Bush Man’

Me: Blimey, bushman eh? You Karthik? Really?

Karthik: Oh Andy you see me as the couch potato from India steeped in the convenience of the western world, but here in Africa I have had to adapt and become at one with the Wild. No more cricket from the comfort of my couch, I am out every morning hunting my own breakfast before dawn.

Me: Crikey Karthik, I really couldn’t imagine you bringing down a slice of toast let alone a wild animal.

Karthik: oh Andy, you may mock but all I need are my hunting knife and loincloth.

Me: Loincloth?

Karthik: Most definitely. The locals are much accustomed to the nudity of native tribesmen but took umbrage at my Indian arse.

Me: Wow….ummmm

Karthik: The jungle is now my home, after the mean streets of Birmingham and India I find here comfortable and safe. I need not Guinness nor color tv’s, petrol stations or housemates, I have all that I need. I am as successful with Zambian women as I was with English…

Me: That bad eh? Oh well, you can’t have everything old man!