The Confused Diaries - Part 1

Even before I begin I want to make one thing clear, I am only writing this because suddenly out of the blue I have found free time! I am amazed myself, this is a rare occurrence! My work is so tedious and hectic that sometimes when I do not have anything to do I draw blanks! So this blog is all about ‘improv’ (adapted from my idol Quagmire of Family Guy) as I have no idea what I am going to write after this line. So here we go, I think.

My new goal in life (it changes every second day) is to fire an AK-47! Now I am sure there are many of you, who at this instance are going to decide that I am in some way Gadhafi’s reincarnation! No! I am not talking about genocide here or of crimes against humanity! Now let us leave that to the Hitler’s of this world. I do not even have anything against Jews. I do not have anything against anybody. So back to AK-47! Now this is a gun which spawned after World War 2 but yet has managed to kill more people than malaria! Now that’s one unbelievable invention. Man vs. God! And man wins! Being a very typical male I have laid my hands and fired a few weapons. But this is Genesis. The number of AK-47’s in Zambia is unbelievable. Ever so often you find somebody just walking along the road with this creation hanging on their shoulder. There are women brandishing it at almost every ATM machine! Now do not for one second think of something out of the Royal Army Arsenal. This is Africa and the guns here are all used versions of many wars which thanks to many countries today that it is a common thing. They are old and rusty. But that’s the whole point of an AK! It works! And then again! And continues to do so! They say you are not a ‘petrol head’ until you have driven an Alfa Romeo. They say you are not a ‘bush head’ until you have owned a Victorinox. They say you are not a ‘smoke head’ until you own a classic zippo. They say you are not a ‘dope head’ until you roll it with rizla. Don’t ask me who ‘they’ are, I haven’t a clue myself. But am sure they say you are not a ‘d***head’ until you want to fire an AK! It does not matter to me what you say, I am going to try very hard to see if I can actually lay my hands on one and splatter a couple of rounds on a lake or a river. No do not call the eco-metals! I will make sure that I won’t kill any fish which somehow is ok if you bait it, hook it, suffer it, kill it, chop it, grill it and enjoy it! And do not call the cops this goal of mine might change come Tuesday!

Now the other pressing issue I need to speak about is the bloody heat here in Zambia! OMG (I do use savvy but hateful SMS language once in a while, they say it is cool, still don’t know who ‘they’ are!)! This is unbelievable. It is so hot that I sweat a lot! And then I go swimming frequently to cool off! And the worst part of all this is that if it continues I might become a bit fitter and a bit leaner! And this spoils the whole purpose as I have put in 25 years to see that I remain a bit rounder! And please now don’t tell me it is better if I lose a couple of inches, you either love me the way I am or you don’t! Simple as!

Today happens to be Zambian Independence Day. I tried my luck and sent a text message to a lot of Zambians in the sales team, many suppliers, many trade distributors and many customers. The message read “Happy Independence Day, My Fellow Zambian”. I knew I was trying my luck here but I was delighted to see the most warm and innovative replies ever. Just like India and UK, Zambia is now home as well.

This finally brings me to the point of my future. I have been seriously working to move to Zimbabwe. The move might happen in January. The company has also agreed in principle for the same. I now have been working on the same project and doing my personal PR for the last couple of months. My chief returned back to Zambia today. Now again don’t think about some tribal chief wearing feathers and preaching ‘oolalala’ dance. When I say chief I mean my CEO. I was discussing with him about the same developments and out of the blue he tells me to learn ‘French’. I was a bit perplexed but then he tells me he would want me to move to Morocco! Now if I know something about Morocco then that is white sandy beaches, sunshine, unbelievable women and European culture. Now there is nothing wrong with that! So maybe in a few months I will be living life in other ways it is meant to be lived! Honestly, I am again like a ‘boy in a bike store’ (Nicci always tells me this). And this happens to me a lot. Don’t laugh at me I am at least a kid and most of you have lost what’s arguably the best days of your life! So to French, so to Sahara, so to Morocco, so to all the other things I would not want to name, here I come, mostly, maybe!

And now I look back I had at least 5 good chances to learn French! I always thought who would ever need it?!

Oh for crying out loud!