Aviation Misery

Of all the places possible in the whole wide world I am writing this sitting on a cheap chair in a lousy transit hotel in Jo’burg! For most of my life I had never flown and used to always look forward to it but now I have even started to contemplate driving or even walking! Every single time I have used any airline across the globe, my luck has ditched me at take off! Every single time the pilot has made an announcement, it has just added to my misery! But thanks to Titanic sinking and local councils around the world not taking care of roads, the only way to get to a far away destination is by air! 100 years of exponential growth in science and technology and people have only one choice. I watched a program on Stephen Hawking and his science and they have in a way perfected teleportation. Now that’s my kind of stuff. But unfortunately the only thing they think they have zapped is an electron! Now by the time the technology gets to be able to handle someone of my size there won’t be me! Thanks for nothing.

I was so religious about this journey of mine finally to India after 3 full years. I made sure I got to the airport early. So early in fact that I had to wake up the security guard to open the door so I can get inside! But still to my luck there was a system failure in Lusaka, Zambia. Hence everything was handwritten and the lady who answered my questions by the million was very sweet, she had no idea what she was saying! I even asked her if my luggage would reach intact if it did at all and all that she said was that it was left to god! I am sorry, this is 21st century which is progressing like 25th! And I have to leave my luggage to god!? Then I moaned and groaned a bit, of course not in front of her but to myself. I was scared if I would tell her anything she would tag my luggage with the words “Help Yourself”. Hence intelligently I decided to shut up! I am still sure about my doubt that it was no system failure but its complete absence.

Then I got into the terminal and then into the aircraft. Now again this being Africa things are a bit different! You don’t have a sky lift with so many billboards that there is no room to breathe, nor any mode of transporting you to the plane. The departure gate is actually a gate which just sets your free into the actual runways. This is terrifying one because you don’t even know which is your flight and secondly any man could go anywhere and do anything stupid so that America will get a good reason to invade let’s say Poland! I know Obama is no Hitler but that’s what America does best. Find a reason and call it national security and then invade a country which is randomly picked by some psychic monkey or something and end it all by lecturing / threatening other countries that they should maintain peace! Another thing I have noticed is all the countries America has done warfare with are countries with either a lot of petrol or drugs! And then it just ends up building some roads calling it rehabilitation! Maybe it is much cheaper and peaceful if you don’t go round dropping tons of bombs Mr. American President! Food for thought!

Any who, I got out of the gates and started to walk randomly towards a plane which I decided I should try. As I neared the plane somebody suddenly held and pulled me aside. I was quite stunned. And this guy was a security guard in a hi-vis jacket! That’s write all you health and safety nuts be happy! He then said I was too close to the jets of the plane and any closer, I would have got sucked in! Well thanks! Maybe you could have cordoned off the area! Maybe they have a boring job and once in a while it is quite amusing to watch a human mincer! Though I am thankful for being alive I still have that part of me which wants to know who would have won. Me and my enormous self or the jet! That’s true this is me. I once tried a similar experiment with my finger and a kitchen blender. Needless to say my finger lost! Finally getting onto the plane I was shown my seat and I was perplexed if it was business class service. This being a pleasure trip of mine there is no way I will spend more for a bigger seat. My bottoms are big and cushy enough to save the money. But for economy class the legroom was huge. I could just about touch the front seat with my toe! Then I realized my seat was where the emergency exit was. The airhostess came to me and said that as I was sitting by the exit I was legally bound to open it in case of emergency! This is today’s world! Everything has to be legally bound! I told her “Darling! If I am going to die and opening this door could change it then I will do it myself without sitting at a table with your lawyer”. She liked the reply I guess as I was the only one to get some nuts along with breakfast! Suspiciously! And then I looked at my ticket only to confirm I had paid but not that in case of emergency my only goal would be to earn a gallantry medal!

The flight was due to leave at 7 AM. But as the system failure was epidemic the pilot who sounded like someone from the Australian outback sipping on some fosters said, “Ladies and mates how are we this morning? Because of the system failure you all know of, the actual weight of the plane has not yet reached me and hence I cannot properly calculate the takeoff and landing. So as we speak there are lovely Zambians who are out there trying to estimate so that we can have a very safe journey. I would like to stress that this is also a legal requirement. Thanks for understanding and the weather in Johannesburg is absolutely lovely if you want to enjoy a pint later”. I did understand but when words like ‘estimate’ are used I prefer to have a pint right then!

So it took some Zambians with some tape measures and weighing scales I imagine more than 2 hours to tell the pilot if the plane was good to fly weight wise or if Karthik had to get down! By that time I was actually imagining my next flight all set to take off without me in it! That’s right I again missed a flight and this meant long queues and transit accommodation. The food court is far away I decided against it as I would be hungry again by the time I get back to my room! Honestly I would prefer to shoot myself in my right toe than going through the horrors of airport helpdesks! People speak to you as if you are not handling such a small thing well! 10 days holidays after 3 years and I have to spend a whole day/night in a room with no windows! That’s why I thought I will write this not because I want to be more regular on my blog but to kill time. I know when I finally reach home I will have a ‘eureka’ moment and no definitely not naked. As I don’t have internet access right now I am typing this in word and I found out that Microsoft Office does not know Obama, capitalizes Hitler and knows Osama! What a world we live in!

So if you are reading this then it means I am either home or somewhere where there is bloody internet! I just picked a glass to drink water and the coaster says “If love is blind then why is there sexy lingerie?”

Oh for crying out loud!